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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



TELEPHONE AND OSHKOSH 



TWO TELEGRAPHIC BURLESQUES. 



BT 



THOMAS C. NOBLE, JR. 






f:'' WASHi^5 



NEW YORK: 

C'OI'YKIGHT, 1880, By 

W. J. JOHNSTON, Publisher, 

No. i) iluKK.w Street. 



^^..b^ 






TELEPHONE : AP HER DAD WHO LOVED TO WHALE HER. 



A BXTRLESatTE. 
BY THOIM-A-S C. NOBLE, JR. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 

Sm BoTELLE Porter, commonly called Old Stout, 

Superintendent W. U. Tel. Co. 
Old Corcoran, Manager W. U. Tel. office. 
Bill Drawhispay, Able Operator. 
Jim Jackstraw, Ordinary Operator. 
Ralph Catspaw, a Landsman, a Plug. , 



Tom Coldslaw, an Hoperator from Birming- 
ham, you know. 
Dick De.^deye, a Battery man. 
Telephone, Daughter to Old Corcoran. 
Setemup, a Vivandiere. 
Phebe, Aunt to the Superintendent. 
Other relatives of the Superintendent, Operators, 
. etc., by a full chorus. 



ACT I. 



Scene.— O^ce of the W. U. Telegraph Co. 
Operators discovered returning from lunch. 

CHORUS. 
We wield the brazen keys. 

And stand our trick at harking^ 
Not to the roaring breeze. 

But to sounders loudly barking. 
When the sun rides liigh in the bright blue sky, 

We stick by the office chair; 
When the moon shines bright of an autumn 
night, 

We generally go on a tare. 

(Enter Little Setemup, ivith a runlet strapped to 
her belt.) 

recit. 
Had, telegraph men — glow-worms of the nation. 
Here is a chance at last for fluid ration; 
You've got your pay — shell out and don't be mean. 
Come, empty Little Setemup's canteen. 

aria. 
For I'm called Little SetemuiJ — queer Little 
Setemup, 
Ergo y because I'm so sly; 
But folks caU me Setemup— naughty, bad Set- 
emup — 
Wlio'U buy a glass of old lye. 
It sweetens your slumbers; it straightens your 
numbers; 
It makes a poor copy look fine; 
When naughty plugs bust in, it helps in ad- 
justin'. 
And takes the cross out of your Une. 
Though you're never baking, your "roast" you 
keep taking — 
Well " salted" it must be, I think; 
But salt is poor picking, for gosling or chicken, 

Unless they have sometliing to drink. 
Then buy of yom- Setemup — queer little Set- 
emup, 
Goslings should never go dry; 
Come, diink with your Setemup — odd Little 
Setemup, 
Tiy just a glass of old rye. 
Tom. Aye, Little Setemup— and well called — 
for your cheeks are the rosiest, your step the 



lightest and your heys the brightest of any vi- 
vandiere in the harmy. 

Bill. Yes, Little Setemup, and your lips are 
the sweetest — 

Setemup. Here I What are you about I No 
tricks upon travelers. Come, be otf . 

Bill. You are too short. Little Setemup. Let's 
see how you look with my tall hat on your pretty 
head. Here you go I There, boys, now doesn't 
she look stunning ? 

Setemup. Hark ye, my ancient friend, hast 
ever thought that beneath that gay and frivolous 
tOe there may lurk a canker worm, which slow- 
ly but surely eats its way into one's very scalp ? 

Bill. No, lass, an old veteran like myself, 
with tbis billiard-ball style of pate, is always ex- 
empt from such a billet. 

Tom. 'Is 'ed, like the moon, can support no 
living hin'abitants, because there isn't any 'air 
on it, you know. 

Dick. I have felt them often. (All recoil 
from him.) 

Setemup. U^X)n my word, you look like it. 

Jim. Don't mind him, that's only Dick Dead- 
eye, the batteryman. 

Dick. I say — it's a beast of a job, ain't it — • 
batteryman '{ 

Setemup. Can't say. I used to have a cousin in 
the artillery. He was number one on a gun squad. 

Tom. Hartillery ! WeU, I be blowed, it that 
isn't a good one on you, Dick Deadeye. We 
shall 'ave to call you hartilleryman 'ereafter. 

Bill. Number one on the gun squad ? 

Jim. Cartridge rammer. 

Bill. The dexterity with which he handles a 
syringe shows that he must have served in the 
Coldstreams. 

Tom. Or the 'orse-guards blue, any'ow. 

Dick. I say — I'm dirty, ain't I? 

Setemup. Rather. 

Dick. My clothes are all eaten full of holes, 
ain't they ? 

Setemup. They are somewhat porous. 

Dick. And they smell bad, don t they ? 

Setemup. Yes, they do. (Aside.) Isn't ha 
horrid ! 

Jim. Aye, lass, we'd all say yes to that if we 
were upon oath and contempt was hanging. 



TELEPHONE: 



Dick. Ha ! ha ! that's it; I'm filthy, and you 
all hate me for it, don't you ? — or else, why didn't 
you ask me to drink ? 

Bill. Well, Dick, we don't want to hurt any- 
body's feelings, bat you can't expect a chap with 
Bucli a horrible small of vitiiol forever about him 
to be much sought after, now, can you 'i 

Dick. No. 

Bill. It's asking too much of one's stomach, 
isn't it ? 

Dick. It is. With such a pouncet-box as I am 
within smelling distance, you coiildn't tell peach- 
brandy from cod-liver oil. I nose what I am 
talking about. 

(Enter Ralph.) 

Setemtjp. Who is that operator — the one that 
just came in? I don't remember him. What a 
pale face ! How sad and melancholy ! Either 
lie is in love or else he haa been eating cucum- 
bers. 

Jim. That is the softest plug of aU the force, 
Ealph C.itspaw. 

Setemup. Ha! that name! Chestnuts! chest- 
nuts! 

M.M)RiaAL — RALPH. 

The tabby, frad, 

Spied her friend Thomas, gray, 
Who ran the scale 

In his owii melodious way. 

Sne sang, " Can't catch me now!" 

He sang. " A row, mer — r — row!" 
The lowly tramp 

For a douglinut vainly sighed; 
Go 'way, you scamp I 

Tlic tiirifty housewife cried. 
Ho sang: " I'd like to call !" 
Sno sang: '• We don't give bread — 
All. Nor one hsh-baU." 

HECIT. 

I know the flavor of good whisky lingers, 

But liquor gives us little consolation 
Wiien we have got the palsy in our fingers, 
And see before us only dread starvation. 
Setehqp {aside). There now — he's got it bad — 

of all creation ! 
All (aside). Yes; he has got a gal at some way 
station. 

BALLAD— RALPH. 

A county fair to see, 
A wee bit of a spree, 
A corn-led country beauty 

To treat to pumpkin pie, 

And to tlie circus hie — 
If 1 was not on duty. 
All. If he was not on duty. 

A suitor, lowly born, 
With trousers badiy torn, 
An;l poor beyond concealing. 

Has dared 'round her to shine — 

If I could reach his spine, 
Tnere'd be some awful squealing. 
All. There'd be some awful squealing. 

With lier I would elope 
To far Pacific slope; 
But fear of iier big brother, 
Aud of his horrid gun — 



Mis:^ Telephone is one, 

Alas! and I'm the other. 
All. Aul Gatspaw is the other. 
Setehup. Well! I be dad hinged! 
(Exit Little Setemup.) 

Tom. Hah, my poor lad, you've climbed too 
'igh ; hour eSicient manager's daughter won't 
'av3 hanytliing to say to ha "arum scarum sort of 
ha plug like you. Will she, lads? 

Dick. No, no, foremen's daughters don't 
shake hands with chaps tJiat have got so much 
ink on their fingers as you have on youm. 

All. (Recoiling from him.) Shame! shame! 

Bill. D.ck Deadeye, the remarks you are in 
the habit of uttering would be a disgrace to a 
Digger Indian. 

All. Put him out ! Put him down in the 
battery room ! 

Tom. Gentlemen, mob law his one of hour 
greatest of Hamerican hinstitutions. 

Bill. My lads, our efli^ient mmager has got 
'round at last ; let us greet him as a mm and a 
brother. 

Manaqek. My gallus crew, good morning. 
All. (Saluting) Good afternoon. 

Manager. Hope you're all sober 'i" 
All. Exceedingly sober; and you, sir? 

Manager. Well, I am — as you woull say^ 

As sober as the times will admit of. 
All. About three points in tlie wind. 

SONG— MANAGER. 

Manager. I am the Cap'n of the 'leotric miU I 
All. And a right and tight skipper, too ! 

Manager. You're very, very good. 
And I would if I could 
Come down with an oj'ster stew. 
All. Hii blarney we have stood, 

And he certainly should 
Come down witii an oyster stew. 
Manager. Tuough in the upper crust, 
I can send and adjust. 
Or set up a battery: 
I am never known to halt 
When a plug slings salt. 
And never, never break at the key I 
All. What, never? 
Manager. No, never. 

Bill. What, never? — not when I used to salt 
you on number — 
Manager. Well, hardly ever ! 
All. He hardly ever breaks at the key. 

Tnen give three cheers and one long 

groan 
For tlie handy performer on the tele- 
phone. 
Manager. You are aU very prompt to answer 
a call — 
All. We generally take what is sent. 
Manager. You are very iinpoUte, 

And I think it liardly right 
To pay you a compliment. 
All. He is very, very tight 

And thinks .'t hardly bright 
To indulge in a tournament. 
Manager. Strong liquor I refuse. 
And never, never use. 
Whatever the emergency ; 



AND HER DAD WHO LOVED TO WHALE HER. 



Though a little beer, I may — 
Occasionally, say — 
I never touch a drop of whis — key ! 
All. What, never ? 
ManaGEE. No, never ! 
Jim. (Producing a juq) What, neverl 

Manager. Wliat's this V— oh I *«»*■*«•** ah ! 

— Well, hardly ever ! 
All. Hardly ever takes a small drop of 

key. 

Then give three cheers and one long groan 
For the handy performer on the telephone. 
(After song exeunt all but Manager. Enter 

Little Seteiiup). 
Setemtjp (Rceit.) Sir, you are sad — the silent 
eloquence 
Of yonder drop that trembles on your mus- 
tache 
Proclaims a bumper far more deep than com- 
mon; 
Confide in me — fear not — I am a mason ! 
M.UJAGER. Yes, Little Setemup, I am some- 
what totty — • 
My daughter. Telephone, the smartest stepper 
That ever tripped it through a fore-and-after. 
Is sought in marriage by Sir Botelle Porter, 
Our division superintendent; but, for some 

reason, 
Whate'er it is I know not. Telephone kicks. 
Setemcp. And did she learn to kick while 

dancing f ore-aud-af ters ? 
Manager. WeU no — practicing to hit the raft- 
ers. 
Setumup. You intend, of course, to make her 
" toe the mai-k -" Alas for Sir Botelle Porter ! 
I pity him. for he is likely to receive more kicks 
than thanks. But see, here comes this modern 
Atalanta. I go. Farewell I (Exit.) 
Manager. (Looking after her.) 

" By the pricking of my toes 
Something wicked that way goes." 
(Enter Telephone, eating somemola.'iscs candy). 

ballad— telephone. 
Jolly her lot who loves to flirt, 

Heavy the heart who loves insanely, 
Sad are the sighs tliat own the hurt 

Given by eyes that speak too plainly; 
Better than love or a weddmg ring 
Is a victim hook'd for the joke of the thing. 
Sad is the fate of foolish swains, 

Bitter the cup we have assigned them ; 
Abject slaves, they are bound with chains. 
Then let whoever will unbind them; 
Better than love or a wedding-ring 
Is a fond heart smashed for the joke of the 
thing. 
Manager. Telephone, why so melancholy, 
pray 'i 
You should be looking your best to-day, 
For Sir Botelle Porter, K. T. B., 
Will probably be our guest at tea. 
Telepho.ne. Dad, what does K.T.B. stand for? 
Manager. It means, my pickled onion, that 
Sir Botehe Porter is a Knight of the Bath. 
Telephone. Of what bath, Dad V 
Manager. Of the Turkish bath, my child; 
but go and fix yourself up right away, for he 
will probably arrive on the 2 P. M. train. 

Telephone. Ah, Governor, your words cut 
me to the crazy bone. I admu-e Sir Botelle be- 



cause he is such an awful swell; but I cannot 
duplex with him. for my heart is already given, 

Ma-Xager. (Aside.) 1 thought she would give 
herself away. (Aloiid.) Saints alivel Who can 
the unhappy wretch be ? 

Telephone. I know, but I shan't tell. 

Manager. Oh! come. Phony, tell your Father 
^tell your own darling Father, won't you ? 

Telephone. He is an operator in yom- offica 

Manager. Impossible ! 

Telephone. 'Tis true, 'tis pity ; and pity 'tis. 
'tis true. 

Manager. Tell me which one it is, and I'U go 
right in and thrash him. 

Telephone. No you don't ! I love him! I love 
him ! I— 

Manager. Come, come, my oyster cracker, 
you shall teU me all about it over a pork chop and 
a glass of cider. In a matter of this kind I would 
not willingly go to extreme measures — you 
vmderstand. I attach but little value to rank, 
for — 

** What is fame compared with dollars;" 

but a mere operator is hardly toney enough for 
you. At every step he might commit sole- 
cisms — - 

Telephon'e. stem parent, what is a sole- 
cism ? 
Manager. A solecism is a — it's — well, it's a — 
Telephone. Pooh I you don't know. 
Manager. Well, he might commit burglary 
or — 

Telephone. Pooh ! nonsense I But fear not, 
old 'un; lam a Corcoran, and whatever Corcoran 
traits I may have I came honestly by them; but 
1 am a manager's daughter; therefore I am high- 
toned. 

Manager. You are papa's gumdrop, after all. 
But, see ! Sir Botelle's hack approaclies, di-awn 
by two coal-black steeds, and crowded with the 
admiring throng of relatives that follow him 
wherever he goes, d. h. 

Telephone. That nigh horse looks a little 
tired, Pop. 

Manager. Very likely ; I would as soon haul 
a ton of coal 'round as Old Stout. Retire, my 
sugar-plum, to the back otiice— put on your 
crimps, and take that gxim out of your mouth. 

Telephone. How thoughtful he is. Bye, 
bye. Old Stocking ! 

(Embrace and exit. Manager remains. 

Barcarole. (Invisible.) 
Over the railroad, free. 
Comes Sir Botelle Porter, K. T. B. 
Whenever he is sick 
Bang 1 forty-nine sounders click I 
Bang I o'er the telegraph wire, 
For Sir BoteUe Porter, the great high-flier I 
(During this the operators have entered on tiptoe, 
listening attentively to the song.) 
Chorus of Operators. 
We wield the brazen keys. 

Our work is mostly sparking 
Beneath the greenwood trees. 

And round the suburbs larking. 
We're gay and festive plugs. 
And shng a heap of ink-er ; 
For all these 'ere big-bugs 
We do not care a tinker. 



TELEPHONE: 



{Enter Sir Botelle, with Aunt Phebe and other 

relatives.) 

Manager. Boys, give 'em three cheers and a 

loud huzza ! 
All. Hurray ! hurray ! huiTay ! ti-gar ! ' 

Song — Sir Botelle. 
I am the boss of all the line, 
I have never sailed the brine, 
Although sometimes I wish that I had. 
Aunt Phebe. And so do his sisters, and his 

mother, and his dad ! 
Eel. And so do his sisters, and his 

mother, and his dad ! 
Snt BOTEUJE. When the opposition growls, 
I answer their base howls 
In a way that makes them feel quite sad. 
Aunt Phebe. And also his sisters, and liis mo- 
ther, and his dad ! 
All. And also liis sisters, and his mo- 

ther, and his dad ! 
Sir Botelle. But when it's blows. I sneak. 
And with great caution seek 
The seclusion of the country, if a pass can be 
had. 
Aunt Phebe. And so do his sisters, and his mo- 
ther, and his dad ! 
All. And so do his sisters, and hia mo- 

ther, and his dad ! 
His sisters and his mother, 
And his little baby brother, 
And his dad I 

Song — Sm Botelle. 

When I commenced on the Une, my pay, 
As office boy, was a shilling a day. 
I carried messages from door to door, 
I polished up tlie spittoons and mopped the 
tioor. 
I mopped the floor so carefullee. 
That now I am a super of the W. U. T. 
Chorus: He mopped, etc. 

On the company's roll I made my mark. 
But soon 1 was promoted to be entry clerk. 
I read the paper and rested my shanks, 
But 1 saved aU the pencils and the number one 
blanks. 
I saved the supplies so carefullee, 
That now I am a super of the W. U. T. 
Chorus : He saved, etc. 

As entry clerk I became so rich 

That they set me to tending the oiiice switch. 

But Mary Aim's hair, that I helped to comb 

out. 
Was the only switch I knew anything about; 
That sort of a job so '■ juited '' me, 
That now I'm a widower in a cottage by the 
sea. 

Chorus: That sort, etc. 

Of 'lectric knowledge I acquired such a gnp. 
That they gave me the efficient managership. 
The boys in the office soon set up a waU, 
For I cut 'em all down on the sliding scale. 
I whittled their pay vrith a hand so free, 
That now I am a suiter of the W. U. T. 
Chorus : He whittled, etc. 



Ingenious were the methods I did devise 
To lessen my expenses and save the supplies. 
They all wasted blanks at a terrible rate. 
So I made 'em take their telegrams down on a 
slate. 
The company praised my economee. 
And appointed me a super of the W. U. T. 
Chorus : The company praised, etc. 

Now operators all, wherever you may work. 
If you hope to rise, you must learn to shirk. 
For wearing yourselves out you receive small 

thanks. 
But be careful of your penoUs and your num- 
ber one blanks. 
Look out for your supplies, and never touch a 

key, 
And you all may be supers of the W. U. T. 
Chorus : Look out, etc. 

SIR Botelle. You've a remarkably filthy 
office here. Manager Corcoran. 

Manager. It is rather dusty, no mistake, Sir 
Botelle. 

Sir Botelle. You've a very ordinary-looking 
set of operators, to say the least. Manager Corco- 
ran. 

Manager. They are a Uttle off color, Sir 
Botelle. 

Sir Botelle. They look more like ticket-of- 
leave men than telegraph operators, Manager 
Corcoran. 

Manager. Food for powder. Sir Botelle, food 
for powder. What with consumption and other 
ailments that office men are heir to, we use up a 
large number in the com-se of a year. 

Sir Botelle. They don't stand it a very long 
time, then ? 

Manager. Not a great while, Sir Botelle. 
Although we are furnished with the very best of 
kerosene stoves, yet the atmosphere doesn't seem 
to agree with them. It may be that fifteen min- 
utes for refreshments is not altogether conducive 
to longevity. 

Sir Botelle. All a mistake, sir, all a mistake. 
I think that ten minutes would be ample time 
for them. They could eat all — all that they can 
afi'ord to in less time than that, and then have a 
minute or so to spare for idle gossiping. I hope 
you do not associate with your men. Manager 
Corcoran V 

Manager. No, indeed — certaiidy not, Sir Bo- 
teUa. 

Sir Botelle. No swearing, I trust — no strong 
language of any kind over the wire ? 

Manager. We do not encourage that sort of 
thing. Sir Botelle. 

Sir Botelle. Swearing is a luxury to be in- 
dulged in only by the officers. Desire one of 
those dreadful-looking persons to come here. 

Manager. Coldslaw, step this way. 

Sir Botelle. Stop ! stop ! That ib not the way 
for a manager to address a mere operator. You 
should say, "Vile plug 1'' — or, "indolent imbe- 
cile ! — the superintendent wishes to converse 
with you — through me." 

Manager. Aye, aye. Sir Botelle. 

Sir Botelle. Ask him — if he would like to 
take a drink. 

Manager. Here ! you son of a cross-arm, the 



AJVD HER DAD WHO LOVED TO WHALE HER. 



Superinteudent -n-ants to know if you would like 
to take a drink with him? 

Sir Botelle. No. uo ; that's not what I mean 
— not what I mean at all. I never indulge in 
any kind of spirits whatever — you did not catch 
the idea at all. But I am answered. His breath 
has turned State's evidence and — not too near ! 
— not too near ! Do you ever drop yoiu' quid 
in the water-pail? 

Tom. Well, "ardly hever. your honor. 

Sir Botelle. That is a mean way of taking 
revenge on the company for not providing spit- 
toons — it really cannot afford them. Can you 
sing? 

Tom. Like a "en 'awk your honor. 

Sir Botelle. Like a — what ? 

Tom. I can sing like a howl. 

Sir Botelle. You can sing and you can 
howl? Well, howl this at your leisure. It is a 
song that I have composed for the use of plugs, 
and is designed to encourage humility and self- 
discipline in the lower branches of the service. 
And now, Manager Corcoran, a word with you in 
your back office, on a little affair of the heart. 

JL\xager. Aye, aye, Sir Botelle. Bill Draw- 
hispay, in commemoration of this joyous occa- 
sion, see that the operators have but ten minutes 
for lunch to-morrow. 

Bill. Why don't you call me a — 

JlANAGER. A what ? 

Sir Botelle. He is quite right. You should 
call him a luuk-head or an ourang-outang. 

Manager. Confound you ! You're a disgrace 
to the service. 

Sir Boteli£. Politeness is all veiy fine, 
But I hold that on the line 
Civility to plugs is exceedingly 
bad. 
AijNT Phebe. And so do his sisters, and his 

mother, and his dad! 
All. And so di) his sisters, and his 

mother, and his dad. 
(Exeunt MAyAGER. Sir Botelle and Relatives.) 

Tom. While the hadmiral is discussing his 
affairs of the 'art, suppose we sing the song that 
he has so kindly composed for us : 

(Sings) A telegvapli phig is a soaring soul 
As free as a mountain bird. 

Jim. That isn't true. An operator is any- 
thing but free. 

Tom. It's hirony — spoken hironically, you 
know. 

Bill. Let's see — you didn't read it right. 
Now, altogether : 

Glee— Bill, Tom. Dick and Jim, and Chorus. 
A telegraph plug is a soaring soul, 

As free as a miser's hoard. 
His energetic fist should be ready to assist 

For just his clothes and his board. 
His hand should shake with the palsy numb. 
His eye grow sad and his look be glum, 
His beard should bo where beards ought to grow, 
And his .stomach ever ready for a snack down 
below. 

Cliorus : His hand shotdd shake, etc. 

His nose should shine with an inborn fire, 

His ink with skill be slung ; 
He never should lietray any wish for higher pay. 



Or forget to hold his tongue. 
His hat shotdd shine and his gloves fit tight, 
His boots be black and his shirt be white; 
His eyes should sink and his ribs protrude. 
And exceedingly profound should be his grati- 
tude. 

Chorus : His bat should shine, etc. 

(All exeunt except Ralph, irho, during the sing- 
ing, falls asleep ivith his head resting on one 
of the instrument tables.) 

(Enter Telephojje.) 

Telephone. It is useless — the doctor's medi- 
cines naaseate me. I am only love-sick. Medi- 
cines can do me no good. The doctor said that I 
was beginning to improve, and that it was all 
owing to that vile mixture — he never mistrusted 
that the cat had taken most of it for me. Oh 
dear ! how blind some folks are — doctors as well 
as other people. (Sees Ralph.) Ralph Catspawl 
and fast asleep, as I live. His must be a mind of 
no common order, or he could not go to sleep in 
the daytime — I never could. I think that I will 
secrete myself somewhere and watch him until 
he wakes up. Ah. this closet is just the very 
place. (Goes into the closet.) 

(Enter Aunt Phebe, dressed in youthful cos- 
tume, with her head enveloped in a luce shawl 
which conceals her features.) 

Aunt Phebe. How my heart beats ! I feel 
just as if something was a-going to happen. 
(.S'cfs Ralph.) Goodness gracious I if there isn't 
Telephone's beau. How I should like to cut her 
out now — the artful hussy 1 I must see what 
effect mj' charms will produce on this yoimg 
man. He will, no doubt, be quite overcome by 
them. Here goes then to rouse him from his 
sweet slumbers. (Calling.) Mr. Catstail! (Aside.) 
Ohl Catsfoot! I had almost forgntteu his name. 
(Calling and ra];>ping on the door.) Mr. Cats- 
paw ! 

Ralph. Y'es, yes, Susan, I'm up I Be right 
down ! I — ho — um ! ah ! 

Aunt Phebe. Dear Mr. Catspaw ! 

Ralph (aside.) Can I believe my eyes? 
(aloud.) Aye, lady, no other than poor Ralph 
Catspaw. Oh — um ! 

Aunt Phebe. And why poor Ralph ? 

Ralph. I am poor in flesh, lady — rich only in 
disease. In me there meets a combination of ail- 
ments which are at eternal war with one an- 
other. I have the saltrheum. ei-ysipelas, scrof- 
ula, jaundice, asthma and ticdoloureux. I am 
but a living embodiment of positive inflictions. 
I hope I make myself clear, lady? 

Aunt Phebe. "Perfectly. (A.side.) His remarks 
are as clear as mud. Oh", if I dared — l)ut no, I 
have eaten onions. (Aloud.) You .should not 
allow yotir mind to dwell iqion your troubles, 
they only torture you the more. Come, make 
one effort and be happy. 

R.^.LPH. I will. Become Mrs. Catspaw, dear- 
est girl, and I shall be as happy as a clam at high 
water. (Embraces her.) 

Aunt Phebe. Sir, this audacity ! (Aside.) Oh 
my heart, ray heart I Oh my breath ! (Aloud.) 
Oh. sir, do not lean qtiite so heavily upon me — 
you forget the disparity in otu- shanks. 



TELEPHONE: 



Duet — Atrar Phebe and Ralph. 
Aunt Phebe. Refrain, audacious plug, 
My waist from pressing, 
Remember whom you hug 

Aud are caressing 1 
I cannot understand 
Why you dissemble — 
Please do not squeeze my handl 
It makes me tremble. 
(Aside.) My pipes are getting old 

And somewhat squeaky — 
I wish I was more bold 
Or he more cheeky. 
lUliPH. Sweet spuit hear me swear : 

I love you madly ! 
"With you I fain would pair — 
I'll do it, gladly. 
We will elope to-night ; 
When Saturn rises 
Meet me, prepared for flight, 
At Susan Guise's. 
(Aside.) My lieart with anguish swells ; 

Would I might miss her 1 
Her breath of onions smells, 
Yet I must kiss her. 
(Tears shawl from Iter head and kisses her, then 
starts back horrified.) 
Heavens to Betsy ! whom have we here ? 
Aunt Phebe. It is a bargain, then — but will 
you always love me ? 
Ralph. A U Hallow eve ! I see it now — this is 
some goblin sprite with ever chang- 
ing form and feature : 
" /' the name of truth or ye fantas- 
tical. 
Or that indeed which outwardly ye 
show ?" 
Aunt Phebe. How? 
Ralph. " Mltat man dare, I dare : 

Approach thou, like tharugged Rus- 
sian bear, 
Thearm'd rhinoceros, or theEyrcan 

tiger. 
Take any shape but that, and my 

nerves 
Shall never tremble." 
Aunt Phebe. He raves. I will rave too ; 
" Come, let me clutch thee : — 
Iluive thee not, and iiet I see thee still." 
Ralph. Murder I 
Aunt Phebe. {recit.) He shuns me — Well, 

shall I forego 
A wedding ring and bride's trousseau, 
Because my love is once rejected ? 
No, no, I'm bound to be duplex — ed. (Exit.) 
Ralph. {Calling off.) Comrades, ahoy 1 
Come here ! come herel 
(Enter Operators.) 
All. Aye, aye, my boy. 

Don't fear, don't fear. 
We did not peek — 

(Ralph faints.) 
Bill. He is so weak 



He cannot speak — 
Some beerl some beer! 
Ralph. My gal was here, all decked and drest, 
As large as life, as fair as Hebe; 
But when I clasped her to my breast, 
Lo and behold! it was — 

All. Who ? 

Ralph. Aunt Phebe. 

All. Phew ! 

Ralph. Her breath of onions smelled so stout 
That on my cheek it raised a blister ; 
I knew not what I was about. 

And on this very spot 

All. Ah ! 

Ralph. I kiss'd her ! 

All. Bah ! 

Ralph (Drawing a revolver). My bones, upon 
the sly 
In Central Park you may deposit. 

For Telephone I die 

Telephone (Reappearing). Don't shoot ! I'm 
in the closet ! 
All. Don't scoot, she's in the closet! 
Telephone. You are my sheep — my turtle 
dove! 
And Telephone no more will 
doubt you ! 
Thus frankly do I own my love. 
Ah! let me wind my ohms 
about you! 

(They embrace.) 
Tom. That's rather a snug hadjustment. 
Bill. Come to my ohms! 

(Bill and Tom emdroos.) 

ENSEMBLE. 

operators and telephone. 

Oh joy! Oh rapture, unforeseen! 
Two loving pods within a bean; 
Two heads entwined upon a curl; 
Two oysters liid witliin a pearl. 

Elysium we have found! 
With chowdered clam and lobsters, red, 

We'll treat the crowd when \ 4.,,„„ [ are wed; 



And if we find • 



I they p 
you very | , 
the maiden J •' 
A keg of lager we will buy. 
And pass the schooners 'round. 

DICK deadeye. 

Their battery is working fine. 
And all's serene upon their line. 
But though the current is so strong, 
I'll rig a bad escape ere long. 

And cut this Catspaw out. 
Unto Old Corcoran will I go; 
What's here a brewing he shall know. 
Then won't there be a dreadful mussi 
The old galoot will rave and cuss. 

And yell and groan and shout! 

Curtain. 



End of Act L 



AND HER DAD WHO LOVED TO WHALE HER. 



ACT II. 



Scene. — Hall adjoining the telegraph office. 
Manager discovered jjhjying on violin. Little 
Setemup accompamjing him on a concertina. 

DUET— MANAGER AND LITTLE SETEMUP. 

Fair moon, to thee we sing, 

Bright regent of the heavens, 
Say, why is everything 

Either at sixes or at sevens ? 

Manager. Methiaks, Little Setemup, that 
your accordeon is somewhat out of tune — it does 
not chord with my cremoun. 

Setemup. Well, how are you going to work 
to make an "accordeon," as you call it, chord 
■with a violin ? Suppose you try and time the 
violin so that it will chord with my concertina. 

Manager. Let's ti-y it again. Now I 

Setemup. Fair moon, to thee we sing, 

Bright regent of the heavens — 
Why don't you sing ? 

Manager. Why don't you say when you're 
ready V 

Setemup. Oh, hifalutin ! 

Manager. Now— once more ! 

Both. ( Say, why is everything 

( Fair moon, to Ihee we sing. 
( Either at sixes or at sevens?— 
] Bright regent of the heavens, — 

Setemup. You're smart 1 

Manager. I thought you meant — " begin 
again." 

Setemup. How many times do you want to 
begin again? This makes the sixteenth time, 
and you haven't got beyond the fourth line yet. 
Queer idea, that of yours — trying to sing " Pina- 
fore" and play "Mulligan Guards" at the same 
time. 

Manager. If there's anything I hate, it's an 
accordeon. I'd rather hear a hand-organ any 
day. 

Setemup. It's better than an old squeaking 
fiddle with only three strings to it, and out of 
tune at that I 

Manager. Well, don't get mad. 

Setemup, Who is mad V 

MAN.A.GER. The cremona is not my exclusive 
property, and therefore I am not wholly respon- 
sible for the condition of it. Last pay-day, I 
came across a tramp who was trying to pawn 
his violin for the price of a supper and night's 
lodging. Bill Drawhispay offered to go me 
halves, and wo each of us advanced him a dollar 
on it. The tramp never claimed his property. 
Either I forgot to leave him my card, or gave 
him the wrong one — forget now how it was — 
but, anyhow, for the trifling sum of two dollars 
we became the lucky owners of this valuable in- 
Btrument. I don't "pretend to be a Paganini or 
an Ole Bull. but- 
Fair moon, to thee I sing, 
Briglit regent of the heavens — 

Setemup. Oh, please don't sing "Pinafore" 
any more. Sing sotnetliing you are familiar 
with. I'd rather hear you sing "Tjn Thousand 
Miles Away." 



Manager. Complimentary 1 wouldn't five 
thousand pnswer? 

Setemup. Oh, say, let me tell your fortune? 
—I've got a pack of cards. 

Manager. Let's have a good game of euchre t 

Setemup. Don't know how — let's play mug- 
gins ! 

Manager. Don't know how. 

Setemup. I can play high-low-jack. 

Manager. High-low-jack it is, then. 

Setemup. It's my deal — here you go — hearts 
are tnimps 1 

JIanager. I beg ! 

SetemUp. Oh, bother I What do you beg for 1 

Manager. For a kiss. 

Setemup. Well, I give you one — here ! what 
are you about I 

Manager. You said that you would give me 
one. 

Setemup. So I wDl — take that I 

Manager. Oh, scissors! Oh, Jerusaleml 
confound it, you've broken my false tooth 1 

Setemup. Begging is but borrowing, and so— 

Manager. You lent me one — oh ! oh ! 

Setemup. Let's not play cards. I'll tell your 
fortune. Let me see your hand ! 

Manager. I never show my hand when I aia 
playing cards. 

Setemup. What, never? 

Manager. No. 

Setemup. What, not when you hold fouz 
aces? 

Manager. No. Never held four aces. 

Setemup. Let me see your hand 1 If dirt was 
trumps what a hand you would hold I 

Manager. Only sunburned. 

Setemup. This line which runs from your i&- 
des finger to your wrist, so^ 

Manager. That's ink. 

Setemup. Shows that tliere is some change ia 
stoi-e for you. 

Manager. Small change? 

Setemup. Aye, be (jrepared. 

Manager. Am always prepared for changfe, 
be it ever so small. 

Setemup. Trifle not I Do you take me for a 
humbug? Know, then, that the vivandiere has 
Indian blood in her veins. The aborigmes cam 
read destiny — 

Manager. If they cannot read anything else. 

Setemup. And reveal the hidden secrets of 
the future. 

DOET — LITTI;E setemup AND MANAGER. 

Setemup. Things are seldom what they seem, 
Nightmare goes for common dream ; 
Mushrooms are but toadstool pickles. 
Car-seals pass for five-cent nickels. 

Manager. (Puzzled.) Very ti-ue. 
So they do. 

Setemut. Burdock makes gr>od rhubarb sasa. 

All that gutters is not brass, [ween 
Though you're stamped gilt-edged, I 
You are oleomargarine. 



10 



TELEPHONE: 



Manager {distressed). You say that 

Because I'm fat. 
Setemup. Though we wink at bogus bill. 

Some one's purse the gap must fill ; 

Whitewash the nigger if you will, 

But lie is a nigger stiU. 
Manager {confounded). Yes, I know — 
That is so. 

When you serve oui' whiskey ration 
You are more than mere spectator. 
Setemup. I deny the allegation, 

Yes, and scorn the alligator. 
Manager. Sad conviction strikes me, honey, 

That this game, so queer and funny. 

Will reheve me of my money. 
Setemup. Sad conviction strikes me, sonny, 

In a way not quite so funny, 

That you haven't any money. 
Both. Yes, I know — 

That is so. 
Manager. Though I'm rather dull at figgers, 

I am some on pistol triggers. 

Once I shot an Injun squaw, 

Once a wolf, and ate him raw. 
Setemup. As I hve, 

That's a fib. 
Manager. Oft unto his mountain lair 

Have I tracked the grizzly bear — 

Always shoot 'em through the brain — 

Forty-seven tramps I've slain. 
Setemup. Oh, my eye ! 

What a lie ! [cellars, 

Manager. Rough.s I've thrashed in Broadway 

Been to Oshkosh with the tellers ; 

Sporting lads and Injun quellers 

Take small stock in fortune-tellers. 
Setemup. Yes, I know- 

That is so. 
Sbtemup, When you know a boy is lying 

Always try to teach him better ; 
Manager. When you know a girl is trying 

Awful hard to kiss you — let her I 

ensemble. 
We have little more to say : 
Every fool j j^?g l part must play- 
Here to-morrow and gone to-day ; 
Yes, I know — 
That is so 1 
{At the end, exit Manager. melodramaticaUii.) 
Setemup. Incomprehensible old duffer ! he 
doesn't scare worth a cent. These widowers are 
getting to be mighty independent. But I'll lix 
him yet, in spite of his bravado. (Looking off.) 
As I live, here comes a crowd of the superintend- 
ent's folks, headed by that old Zulu, his aunt. 

(Enter Aunt Phebe and Sir Botelle's relatives.) 

Aunt Phebe. WeU, who are you, pray? 
What's your name? 

Setemop. Setemup, marm. (Aside.) Isn't 
she a daisy ? 

Aunt Phebe. None of your impudence — 
what are you seUhig, hey ? 

Setemup, No, marm, I'm in the sutler's de- 
partment. You will have to go to the quarter- 
master for hay. 

Aunt Phebe. Girl, don't you go to poking 
any fun at me. I am not to be fooled with ; 1 



can tell you that. What have you got in that 
barrel ? 

Setemup. Soothing syrup, marm. It ciues 
headache, cold in the head, rheumatism, palpita- 
tion of the heart, loss of memory, — 

Aunt Phebe. Oh, fiddlestick I 

Setemup. Back-ache, cold feet, sprains, warts, 
nose-bleed, corns, bunions, — 

AUNT Phebe. If you sell my nephew any of 
that stutf, I'll — I'll have you discharged. Great 
work, I must say, strutting around with your 
soger caps and red skirts. Did you ever have a 
flytation ? 

Setemup. A flirtation ? good gracious, no. 

Aunt Phebe. That's a lie, and a loud one. 
Well, you may go — or, come to think of it, you 
may stay. I shall want you to help out the cho- 
rus. Didn't know I was going to smg a solo, did 
you ? weU, I am. The manager dian't want me 
to, overmuch ; said I was too old-fasnioned ; but 
I told him that if I couldn't have a solo part, I 
wouldn't have any. Mister musician ! give us 
" Derry-down," there, and be spry about it. 

SONG — aunt phebe. 

You may show men of leisure with sinecures fine. 
But the chap that's in luck is the boss of the Ime ; 
Of a similar name, but a different boss. 
Is that nondescript creature, a dirty line boss. 
All. Derry-down. 

Aunt Phebe. Your manager pours, with his 

face in a scowl. 
Over mised-up accounts and a line that is foul ; 
But the line that the super thinks mostly about 
Is one that is useful in catching the trout. 
All. Derry-down. 

Aunt Phebe. Your chief is an expert, and also 

a tester. 
But of no more account than a lightning arrester; 
Have control of the business and wires he may. 
But the boss takes the credit, and also the pay. 
All. Derry-down. 

Aunt Phebe. Your knight of the key is a slave 

of the lamp ; 
They screw him down tight as a battery clamp ; 
Hisspread every day is a horrible roast, [toast. 
While the boss of the line finds a quail on his 
All. Derry-down. 

Aunt Phebe. Your knight of the spurs takes 

his roast out of doors, 
In the lieat if it broils, in the rain if it ))Ours ; 
When the wire is down he goes out to the break, 
While the super goes out after something to take. 
All. Derry-down. 

Aunt Phebe. Tlie super sits cosily toasting his 
With plenty of leisure and plenty to eat ; [feet, 
No trouble disturbs him, unless it's the gout. 
And when business is Lively he always cuts out. 
All. Den-y-down. 

Aunt Phebe. Long flourish the tracer, which 

travels so fleet, 
The monthly report and the dread error-sheet ; 
For to live free and happy, ana never repiae. 
Is only the lot of the boss of the line. 
All. Derry-down. 

(E.reimt. Enter Sir Botelle and Manager.) 

Manager. It was very well done, Sir Botelle, 
capitally done— sliort, square, and to the point. 
You expressed your sentiments very gracefully 
mdeed. I hope that Telephone, when she ac- 



AND HER DAD WHO LOVED TO WHALE HER. 



11 



cepted your offer, did bo in words as well cho- 
sen. 

Sir Botelle. I am not accepted, Manager 
Corcoran. 

Manager. Not accepted ? (Aside.) Con- 
found the luck, what is tliat girl up to. (Aloud.) 
What answer did slie make, Sir Botelle? 

Sir Botelle. None at all — that is, she made 
no definite answer. But — she made up a face. 

Manager. What ! at such an offer — at such 
an honor — you surely must be lalxiring under 
some dreadful mistake. Sir Botelle. Was that 
all she said ? 

Sir Botelle. Yes. She made up a face, and 
that was all .she said. 

Manager. I meant all — all she said — yes. 
{Aside.) Oh, won't I laiTup her tonight ! 

Sir Botelle. I find that the ladies generally 
are disinclined to associate with gentlemen who 
are in the liabit of indulging too freely in alco- 
holic stimulants. It may be that your daughter 
is impressed with the idea that I am a sponge — 
not strictly temperate, you know. 

Manager. Impossible, Sir Botelle. Besides, 
she is used to that sort of thing — is accustomed 
to the daily — I mean the sight of — that is, the 
associations of her daily life are with — moderate 
— veiy moderate — 

Sir Botelle. You mean, doubtless, that Tel- 
ephone, having seen much of the evils of intem- 
perance, regards even the moderate use of liquor 
as a vice. 

Manager. That is precisely the idea I intend- 
ed to convey. (Aside.) Over the left. 

Sm Botelle. As I never drank anything 
stronger than coffee in my life, perhaps it would 
be well to acquaint her with the fact— how does 
the idea strike you : 

Manager. It will do no harm, certainly, Sir 
Botelle. Let us go in search of her at once. 

(Exeunt, iie-en to- Little Setemtp.) 

SONG — little setemtp. 

Try a banana — fresh from the shore ! 

Taste of but one and you'll ask me for more ; 

It seems days have Imgered since last they were 

sold — 
These came from Greenland, so I've been told. 
Boys, draw your jmrscs, you know you must 

treat. 
The girls are all longing tliis fine fruit to eat ; 
Please throw all your peeling around on the 

floor — 
Who says bananas ? — two bits for four I 
For I'm called Little Setemup — don't I just wake 

'em up 
Selling my blueberry pie — [nas. 

Tarts, doughnuts, bananas, and fragrant havan- 
And likewise a dram on the sly. 

(Re-enter Sm Botelle.) 

Sir Botelle. Madam. I desire to inform you, 
officially, that I never drink. 

Setemup. A\Tiat, not with me. your honor? 

Sir Botelle, Awh, this is not — I ask your 
pardon — took you to be — thought it was — awh, 
what may I call your name, my good girl? 

Setemdp. Setemup, sir. 

Sir Botelle. Oh. really 1 

Setemup. No, O'Riley. 



Sir Botelle. Ah, yes. Miss O'Riley. You 
are a vivaiidiere. I see. What do you sell in the 
way of a beverage? 

Setemup. Lemonade, sir. 

Sir Botelle. Oh. reaUy 1 

Setemup. No, O'Riley ! 

Sir Botelle. Excuse me — yes, of course — 
exactly. Well, I am pleased to hear that you 
sell nothing stronger than lemonade. Lemonade 
is a very healthful drink. 

Setemup. Won't your honor try a glass? 

Sir Botelle. Oh, really — I mean er-r Miss 
O'Riley. I hardly ever — 

Setemup. Better try a glass— it is nice and 
cool, your honor. 

Sir Botelle. What makes it look so dark 
colored ? 

Setemup. It is sweetened with brown sugar, 
sir. 

Sir Botelle. Oh— ROey ! It is very nice, 
very nice indeed. Not exactly coohng in its ef- 
fect — rather the reverse. It imparts a grateful 
warmth, which I attribute wholly to the strength 
of the brown sugar. I will try a little more of 
it, if you please, 

Setemup. Certainly, your honor. 
(White Ser Botelle is drinking, exit Little 

Setemup, unobserved, and re-enter Manager 

with Telephone.) 

Sir B< itelle. This is really — no, Riley — veiy 
nice — very nice, indeed. (Sees Telephone.) Oh! 
ah — I (hie) desire to inform you, officially, that I 
never drink. 

Telephone. So I see, Su- Botelle. 

Sir BuTELLE. I was only sampling that young 
person's stock in trade, just to find oiit what sort 
of stuff she is selling to our operators. It is real- 
ly — I mean 'RUey (hie) very poor — very poor, in- 
deed. 

Telephone. Is your honor of the opinion that 
married happiness is not inconsistent with dis- 
crepancy in rank ? 

Sir Botelle. I am officially of the opinion, 
that rum levels all ranks. 

Telephone. That the high and the lowly may 
be truly happy together, provided that they tru- 
ly love — 

Sir Botelle. Lemonade with (hie) brown su- 
gar in it. 

Trio— Superintendent, Manager, and Tele- 
phone. 

Manager. Never mind tlie why and wherefore. 
Money turns the crank, and, therefore, 
Though the Ijoss is hardly bright, he 
Is not what you'd call insane; 
Though it's naughty to get tight, he 
Has a fortune — that is plain. 

Manager and Sir Botelle. 

Wake the church bells from their stupor, 

Shake the hills with rendrock mUd, 
For the duplex of the super 

With a humble foreman's child. 
Manager. For a humble foreman's daughter — 
Telephon-e. (aside). Fora/rawd who thinks he's 

bought her, 
Sm Botelle. And a boss who loves cold water. 
Telephone, (aside). And a piitg who scorns cold 
water ! 



12 



TELEPHONE : 



All. Let the board with the sweets be laden, 
Reud the air with dynamite, 
For the union of a maiden 

With a man who ne'er gets tight ! [fore, 
Sir Botelle. Never mind the the why and where- 
Rum can level ranks, and, therefore, 
Thougii you're naturally thick-headed; 

Though you have your share of brass, 
Though two fools will be (hie) wedded, 
Though your father is an ass. 
Manager and Sib Botelle. 
Wake the church bells from their stupor, 

Shake the hills with rendrock mild. 
For the duplex of the super 

With a liumble foreman's chUd. 
Manager. For a humble foreman's daughter. 
Telephone {aside). For a goose who thinks he's 

caught her, 
Sm Botelle. And a boss who loves cold water, 
Telephone (aside). And a plug who takes his 

hotter ! 
All. Let the board with grub be laden, 
Rend the air with dynamite. 
For the union of a maiden 
W'itli the man she loves a sight. 
Telephone. Never mind the why and wherefore, 
('upid plays his pranks, and, therefore. 
Just so sure as eggs are bacon, 
And my name is Telephone, 
You wOl find yourselves mistaken — 
K. T. B. must dance alone. 

Manager and Sir Botelle. 
W^ake the parson from his stupor. 

Set the bag-pipes screeching wUd, 
For the duplex of the su])er 

With a high toned foreman's child. 
Manager. For a high-toned foreman's daughter, 
l^LEPHONE (aside). For a ruse he ne'er had 

taught her. 
Sib Botelle. AJid a boss who drinks cold 

water. 
Telephone (aside). And a lad who shims cold 

water. 
(aloud) Let the board with hash be laden, 
Manager and Sib Botelle. Blow the fog- 
horn inside out. 
Telephone. For the union of a maiden. 
Manager and Sir Botelle. For her miion 

with Old Stout. 
AU-.. Rend the air with giant powder ! 

Fill the tubs with codfish chowder ! 

(Exit Telephone.) 
Sir Botelle. Manager Corcoran — Father-in 
law — I never knew what it was to (liic) have 

tlie blues until I was 

Manager. Rejected ? 

Sib Botelle. No, by George ! accepted I 

(Exit Sir Botelle.) 
Manager. At last my hopes are about to be 
realized. My only adopted daughter is about 
to duplex with a live superintendent. I shall 
probably be able to settle with my creditors for 
fifty cents on the dollar. (During this speech 
Dick Deadeye has entered.) 
Dick Deadeye. Boss ! 

Manager. Deadeye ! You here ? Don't ! (Re- 
coiling from him.) 
Dick Deadeye. Ali, don't edge off. Boss ! I 
smell bad, and I'm unpleasant to look at, but 
I don't look as bad as I smeU. 



Manager. What would you with me? 

Dick Deadeye. (Mysteriously.) I'm come to 
give you warning. 

Manager. All right. I will make out your dis- 
charge with pleasui'e. Y^our pay is^ 

Dick Deadeye. No, no, you ain't adjusted; lis- 
ten. 

DUET — MANAGER AND DICK DEADEYE. 

Dick Deadeye. Kind Foreman , I have no idea 
of sloping. 
Upon your quadruflex there is a bug, 
Y'otir darter. Phone, with Catspaw is eloping ; 
Suig, liey ! the merry maiden and the plug, 
Both. The merry, merry maiden and the plug. 
Manager. In jail I'll have you straight incarc- 
erated I 
St. Anthony confound your ugly mug ! 
Unless you prove the truth of what you've 
stated , 
About the merry maiden and the plug, 
Both. The merry, merry maiden and the plug. 
Dick Deadeye. As I was just a' turning of my 
light down — 
Preparing to take a stroll 'round to the bar. 
Miss Phone came flying down there with her 
night-gown, 
And hid it in an empty battery jar ; 
Both. The merry. merry night-gown and the jar. 
Manager. A shower-bath will make that wretch- 
ed cur cringe. 
For you, accept my thanks and this cigar ; 
I'U arm myself with yonder battery syringe 
And soak him m solution from the jar. 
Both. The merry battery syruige and the jar. 

Manager. Dick Deadeye, you are a trump? 
Hand me that syringe, and set out a jar of bat- 
tery. We shall have to take some order with 
these rebels. 

Dick Deadeye, Ha, ha! They are foiled — 
broiled — soiled ! 

(Enter Operators on tijpioe. u-ith R.^lph, Bill, 
Jim and Tom, meeting Teleph(.)N'e, who enters 
from the battery room with bundle of necessaries, 
and accompanied by Little Setemup. 7'lie 
Manager, armed icith a battery syringe, takes 
stage, unnoticed.) 

Ensemble. 

Now beware of orange peeling. 
Carefully your brogans toss. 
Every step the boards are squealing, 
Look out and not wake the boss ! 
(Manager showers them with battery solution.) 
Aij^ (much alarmed). Goodness me! 

Why, does it rain ? 
Dick Deadeye. I think he must 

Be sending Bain. 
All. We are in dreadful pain. 

Manager (aside). Keep still; I'U doit again. 
All. Walk the boards in fashion steady, 
Catspaw pays the horse-car fare; 
Have a peace and quorum ready. 
We will splice this happy pair. 
(Manager showers Dick Deadeye.) 
All (much disgusted). Goodness me ! 

Why, what a smeU ! 
Dick Deadeye. I think it was 

A blast from Hell I 
All. Was it some dreadful sell ? 
Manager (Aside). Oh, douse, but never tell J 



AND HER DAD WHO LOVED TO WHALE HER. 



13 



Manager (Coming for want). Hold! (All start). 
Silly girl, this looks tine ! 
I insist upon knowing 
Where you may be goins; 
{Examining bundle.) 
With your night-gown — and mine ! 
The boys in this emwd, 
Though keys they could thuuip any, 
Are scarrely iit company 
For a girl who is proud. [scream — 

Ralph. Proud Manager, it does no good to 

I"ve courted Teleplione this many a year. 
And treated her to corn-lialls and ice-cream, 
A fact well known to all the fellows here. 
Manager {Taking off his coat). 

In polishing otf a brazen knight, 

I am somewhat expert; 
So, Catspaw, two of us will tight, 

And only one get hurt. 
You Itnow the saying : Those who dance 

The tiddler must p^y; 
Anil now I'm going to make you prance — 
Will you please to stej) this way V 
(During tliis Au.nt Fhebe and female eel.\- 

TIVES have entered). 
All. {Shocked). Oh ! 

Manager.' Will you please to step this way ? 
All. Oh ! 

(During this Sm Botelle e>iters, highhj excited). 
Aunt Phebe. Well, I never ! You a foreman ! 
Better get down on your knees, 
Yes, right down upon this lloor, man ! 
To a common plug so// PLEASE ! 
Sir Botelle. Did lie say please ? [sneeze, 

Manager. Sometimes I swear, sometimes I 
Although of this I ke'^p no tally; 
But to a plug I ne'er said please, 
Unless I spoke in.inieally. 
Sir Botelle. Did you sayp/co.sr to an operator? 
Manager. I only sijoke ironirally. 
Sir Botelle. How could you be such a goose? 
Discipline must be maintained — 
I will hear of no excuse, 

Whether it Ije real or feigned. 
You, sir, are no longer boss, 

Get you gone — be tir ynur shanks ! 
No one here will mind the loss — 
We reduce you to the ranks ! 

(Manager retires to the rear, followed bi/ Tele- 
phone. ) 
Sir Botelle. Though politeness is all very fine, 
I hold that on the line. 
Civility to plugs is excessively 
bad!' 
Aunt Phebe. And so do his sisters and his 
mother and his dad ! 
Sir Botelle. (To Ralph.) How could your 
Manager so far forget himself as to say please to 
yon 't 

Ralph. Please, your honor, it was this wise. 
Miss Telephone and I were about to jump over 
the broomstick together and — (Telephone rushes 
to Ralph's arms. Sir Botelle i's horrified and 
se^xu'ates them.) 

Sir Botelle. Audacious plume ! How dare 
you ! 

Ralph. Look here, now. what are you about? 
You anil I may come to blows; 
If you go too far. Old Stout, 
I shall have to pnU your nose. 



Sir Botelle. Insolent whaler, you shall re- 
pent this outrage. Seize him ! (Two operators 
seize Ralph and hold him.) 

Telephone. Oh, Sir Botelle, spare him, for 
wc are engaged ! 

SiK Botelle. Do yoL ever have such a thing 
as a policeman about here ? 

Tom Coldslaw. Well, 'ardly 

Sir Botelle. Sir ! 

Tom Coldslaw. Well, mighty seldom. 

Ralph. Farewell, Telephone, 

Light of my life, farewell 1 
Sir Botelle. There, that'll do. 
Ralph. For cringe unknown — 
SlE Botelle. Stop thnt noise — gag him! (Ralph 
i's' gagged.) 

Dick Deadeye. Please, your honor, we might 
put him down in the coal clo.set ; he couldn't 
get out if we buttoned the dix)r on him. 

Sir Botelle. What makes you wear such a, 
dirty coat':" You are the most disreputable- 
looting operator that I ever set e}'es on. Why 
don't you go and wash up? 

Tom L'oldslaw. Its huseless, 'e never would 
look clean. Your honor miglit 'ave 'mi varnished. 

Dick Deadeye. You see, your honor, we got 
out of mops down in the battei-y room, and, 
rather than order new ones. I have been using 
my coat to wipe up the floor with. 

Sir Botelle I see. You sacrificed your per- 
sonal appearaucL in order to tearh yoiu' brother 
operators a lesson in economy. Your regard for 
tlie company's supplies shall not go unrewarded. 
We appoint you manager of the office. 

All. What! Dick Deadeye ? He doesn't know 
anything. 

.Sir Botelle. I have decided it so. 
And you must believe it so. 

Bill Drawhispay. But he doesn't look re- 
spectab'e. 

Sir Botelle. We will fix that all right. 
Take him ani.1 ex-Manager ( 'orcoran down into 
the battei'y room, and make them exchange 
clothes. 

(Manager and Dick Deadeye are led off.) 

Setemup. Would your honor like another 
glass of lemonade? 

Sir Botelle. Oh, really ! 

Setemup. No. O'Riley. 

Sir Botelle. Humph ! O'Riley, how would 
yon like to le.ive the army and get married? 

Setemup. Well, I hardly know, your honor. 
If t!ie right man came along — 

Sir Botelle. I have eighteen hundred a 
year, ami a tliousand eagles in the shade. Will 
you have me ? Speak quick ! 

Setemup. It's a bargain. 

Aunt Phebe. How I wish that I was a vivan- 
diere ! 

Setemup. You may have all my stock in trade. 
{Gives belt and runlet to Aunt Phebe). 

Aunt Phebe. This belt is a little mite small, 
but I guess I can let it out. There ! Now your 
cup ! 

Setemup. Here it is. You look as gay as a 
drum-major — {aside) and twice as fierce. 

Aunt Phebe. Just let me step 'round a bit 
and get used to 'em. This barrel almost tips ma 
over. 

Setemup. Never mind, it is used to tipping 



14 



TELEPHONE: AND HER DAD WHO LOVED TO WHALE HER. 



folks over ; but be careful that the baiTel itself 1 
doesn't tip over, or you will find yourself bank- 
rupt at the start. 

Aunt Phebe. Now for it! (Approaches a 
crotcd of operators). 

Hail, telegraph men, blackguards of creation, 
Here is a chance to have a gay flytation ; 
Tou've got vour pay— I'dUke to take your hoard. 
But, seems to me, you'd better pay your board. 

AEIA. 

For I'm called Little Butternut— dear Little But- 

tenmt, 
Fellers, you need'nt be shy. 

Sir Botelle (Horrified). Put her out— put 
her right out ! 

(AtiNT Phebe is put out. Dick Deadeye enters 
as Manager, IVLvnager as a batteryman.) 

Sir Botelle. So it seems that the batteryman 
is manager, and the manager, batteryman. 

Bill Drawhispay. So it seems, your honor. 

Sm Botelle. Very well, make it so. 

Ralph. Now, Dick, as you are manager, won't 
you say a word for me in reference to Telephone? 

Dick Deadeye. Yes. Stay here a minute. I 
will go and speak to her. 

Telephone. Here comes Dick Deadeye. How 
I hate the ugly 



Dick Deadeye. Telephone, I am now boss of 
the office. If you wUl many me we will run the 
business together, and divide the plunder. What 
do vou think of it ? 

Telephone. I always liked you, Dick. Say 
no more about it. I am yours. 

Ralph. That is a regvilar gouge game. 

(During this Aunt Phebe has entered through 
the battery-room. 

Aunt Phebe. Here you go I doughnuts, pies, 
turnovers, lemonade, small beer, cheroots, two 

CBlltS Ceicll. 

Sir Botelle. (To Manager.) Corcoran, if you 
will marry Aunt Phebe, and take her ofiE my 
hands, I wUl have you appointed chief operator. 

ItlANAGER. I— I'd rather be a batteryman. 
Tom Coldslaw. 'E his hour batteryman, 
For 'e 'imself 'as said hit. 
Though hit's little to hour credit 

That 'e his hom- battei^man; 
For 'e might 'ave been han hactor 
Hand done hall the queer char-ac-ter — 

Perhaps the Hmdian ! 
But hiu spite of hall temptations 
To try bother hoccupations, 
'E remains hour batteryman 1 
All. Hurrah ! 
' For our new batteryman. 



CCRTJUN. 




(^o^W^i.^'' ^-i^kM^- %/^7e^K,i:ji^>|^/ 



Casar: Wnu is it ix the coRi-.inon that calls :me ? I heard a toicb louder than 

FORTY SOUNDEItS CRY, Ga'SCir. 

Soothsai/cr : Ueware the Daxxister Staii:s. — Art I. ^'crjie ^,d. 



TJie Carnival of Oshkosh, 



A TRAGEDY IN THHEE ACTS. 



LIST OF CHAEACTERS. 



John Jtilids C^sak Smith, Manager W. U. Tel. 

Oshkosh. 
Antony Brown, Chief Opei-aior. 
Lepidas Patrick, Cashier. 

Pliers, A Jinnu'in, afterward Foreman of Sepairs 
Qdill, a drunken book-keeper. 

GOAHEAD, .1 plillj. 

CONSPIRATORS. 

Brutos Armature. A champicm sender. 
Indioo, A villain of the deepest dye. 
Casa B. Anchor, A veteran. 



Kee of 



Hans, a second class man, {the last of his lint.) 
Ostrich, A pluine. 

Jerry: {^"P'^'"^- 
Shrub, A substitute. 

Grimes, A battery man, onehundred years old. 
SCULPIN. a messenger boy, gra7tdscni to Old Grimes. 
Ileportcr for the Journal of the Telegraph. 
Manager of the A. & P., and forces. 
Operators, Messengers, etc., etc. 

Scene : Oshkosh : Various parts of the Western Union 
building and adjoining street. 



ACT I. 



BCBSE 1. A street in front of the office. Fliers standing on 

the doorsteps addressing a crowd of operators and 

message boys. 
Pliers. And now, gentlemen, as we have eet the ball 
in motion, 

I hope you all will lend a hand 

To keep it rolling. 
1st. Operator : Read the paper, Pliers. 
2d. Operator; The paper !the paper! read It, Pllere. 
Pliers : Well, here it is. [Reads] 

We who sign our name below. 

Operators of Oshkosh. 
2d. Ojterator: That's us. 
1st. Operator : Silence 1 
Pliers : We who sign our names below — 
Zd. Operator : Louder ! 
Pliers ; We who sigji our names below. 

Operators of Oshkosh, 

Our duty and our love to show 

For our most efficient Boss — 
2d. Operator: That don't rhyme. 
1st. Operator; Silence ! Silence ! go ahead, Pliers. 
Pliers: [To let. Operator] I pray you stop your noise; 
you but assist the racket. 

[Reads] 

We who sign our names below, 

Operators of Oshkosh, 

Our duty and our love to shmo 

For our effi^'ient 

Zd. Operator: Bosh ! 

Pliers: And worthy manager, herewith 

Give siu'h sitm (as each shaU choose) 

To buy John Julius Caesar Smith 

One jiair gold plated overshoes. 
1st Operator : Bravo ! Pliers ; that's first-rate ; put me 
down ten cents. Pliers. 

2d Operator : Ten cents ! put me down for fifty cents, 
3(i Operator: Me, too. 
ith Operator: And me. 
6th Operator : And me. 

Pliers: [writing] George Wheelock, ten cents; Jim Ma- 
lone, ffiy cents ; Ned Beardslee, fifty; Frank Tem- 

X)le, fifty ; Uimnan, fifty 

3d Operator: Put Wheelock down fifty, too. 

1st Operator : No you don't ; I can't raise fifty-two. 

[Enter Indigo, Tom and Jerry]. 
Tom : What's all this— the Kepublican convention ? 

I thought it met next month in Cincinnati. 
Jerry: Anybody hurt? 

Pliers: Good morrow, noble Indigo; good morrow, 
wortliy Tom and Jerry. 

You're just the men we want. Gentlemen : 

We are starting a subscription paper 

To procure for our efhcient 

Sd Operator: Bosh. 

Pliers: A pair of gold plated overshoes. 

Let me have your names for that amount 

Your several boards can spare ; 

For, mark me, noble sirs, in giving this 

We do but show a common gratitude 

For favors long and kindly rendered. 



Indigo : Give him overshoes ? give him a number sheet. 
What ! Pliers, wouldst thou bleed 
These overworked and famished toilers 
To fat your bloated spider ? 
Why, man, he hates us all, and holds us 
But as a part of his supplies ; to use to-day, 
To-morrow thrown aside as idle rubbish 
With no kind thought bestowed on. 
Give him overshoes? 
Tom: leings]. 

Our office is a hive of bees. 

Our skill and labor coiiis the money. 
We get our daily bread and cheese. 
Official drones get all the honey. 

Tliey make us work with one accord. 
And drive us like a pack of asses ; 
The hojteycomb is their reward, 
While we are glad to get molasses. 
Indigo : Go ask the bondsman, toiling 'neath the lash, 
For presents to bestow upon the overseer. 
Caesar is our taskmaster, not our friend ; 
The meaner stipend with which he buys our labor 
The better is his standing at headquarters ; 
His selfish interests thrive best upon our sore din- 
comfort. 
And so he grinds us as occasion offers. 
Give him overshoes? 
Jerry: Aye, while we who bear the burden and the 
roas 
Wear out our last year's rubbers. 
Indigo: Give me the papers ; let me sign — 
[Takes paper and tears it iij)]. 
There's my handwriting. Pliers. 
Pliers : [Going] You have the paper, but I've got the 
scrip. [cents. 

1st. Operator: Here, Pliers, give me back that ten 
2d. Operator: Give me my fifty cents. Pliers. 
3d. Operator : And mine. 
4th. Operator: And mine. 
5th. Operator: Come boys, let's bounce him. 

[Kiit Fliers arid optrators within the building]. 
Indigo: So, we have damped their ardor in the present 
business. 
And, I hope, sown seeds of future discord. 
This man of number sheets, thrusting these errors 
Daily in our faces, restricting us bv rules 
Th.at might well grace the forecastle of a frigate, 
Shall feel our eternal vengeance. Hark ye, my 

lads. 
This can of parafflne I wragged from out the 
store-room ; [staircase, 

Make baste and spread it o'er the main street 
You know the wherefore. 
To7n: Yes— so that Cffisar may enjoy a slice of this 
same sliding scale 
When coming down the stairs. 
Indigo: Away! [Exit Tomand Jerry.] 
We have our victim sale, that's sure ; 
I'll go tell Brutus Armature ; 
Great Csesar Smith shall stub his toe, 
Or else my name's not Indigo. 



18 



TIIE CARNIVAL OF OSUKOSK 



SCEKB II, Interior qf the Western Union Office. Opera- 
ting iioon^. Left^ instrument benches, operators at 
vtork. Might, nianager^s desk. John Julius Ciesar 
Smith sealed at a table writing. Antony Brown, Le- 
pidus Patrick, arid other officers standing near. 

C<Bsar: These billets give to operators Hans and Os- 
strich, 
And this to Shrub, the substitute. The plugs are 
getting careless [reminder ; 

With their number sheets, and need some strong 
Call Brutus Armature. 
Antony: What, ho ! there — Armature! 
L. Pitrick: Brutus ! you're wanted. 

[Jirutus comes forward to the table]. 
Casar : Here is a copy of a message you received 
A year ago last fall. The error's plain enough 
And stands to your account. The amount is 

seven dollars. 
Tou cannot raise the money on your Ulster 
As that's already pledged to Patrick 
For various other errors ; and therefore, the 

amount 
Shall be deducted from your monthly pay 
In three installments. This will pinch you hard, 
But yet you still may live by strict economy, 
And let us hope the lesson will have a good effect 
Upon your carelessness hereafter. 
Bruttts; Cffisar, I have made no bull; the mistake is 

none of mine. 
Casar: No more, you may retire. Now, Antony, 
Where is this bold and artful son of Grimes ? 
Antony: Here, Cffisar. [Hculpin is led forward]. 
Casar: Drag him before us. You are messenger 

number forty-two. 
Smlpin: Ay, Caesar. 

Cixsar: Tou are accused of passing upon our guileless 
And unsuspecting cashier, a counterfeit scrip 
In lieu of better money that you received 
In payment for a message. You answer for it, 
Lepidus ? 
L. Patrick : Csesar, I do ; here is the bogus quarter. 
Bndpin : Nay, Csesar, I have passed no counterfeit 
money ; 
Lepidus Patrick is mine enemy ; 
Because I did refuse to carry home his washing 
One rainy night last week, he swore to be re- 
venged. 
The scrip that he accuses me of giving him 
Is one he made himself. 
Casar : Rash and misguided youth, will falsehood 
aught avail thee ? 
Refund the money, ay, and quickly, too. 
Or else imprisonment shall be thy doom. 
[Enter Grimes]. [force — 

Antony: Here comes ol3 Grimes, the Nestor of our 

This youthful rascal's grandsire. 
Orimes: What mean these loud complaints, 
That reach me in mine underground abode 
Of ineffleient'batteries? Where is the vitrol 
That I have asked for, lo ! these many days [me 
Which comes not to our asking? Wouldst have 
Make thy brick (as did the Israelites of old ) 
And furnish mine own straw ! [fore us 

Catar : Grimes, your grandson has been brought be- 

For passing spurious scrip upon the cashier. 
Orimes: What! Sculpin ! Why, the lad 

Is the very prop of my son's, that is, his father's 

old age. 
I have known him intimately for eleven years. 
And only do him justice when I say 
That Sculp would never taken a single thing 
He could not lay his hands on. I dare be sworn 
He passed no bogus scrip on yonder skinfliot. 
L. Patrick: How? What says the dotard ? 
Orimes: Oh, do not seek to fright me with thy frown. 
You are a summer's dandelion that has sprouted 

here 
Within my recollection. Why, man, I was an 
operator [riage. 

Before your grandsire had even thought of mar- 
,Ctetar : Goes your memory back so far, old man ? 



Orimes: Memory? Why I can remember when Pro- 
fessor Morse [most noble sir, 
Was but a ragged messenger boy. Ay, and you, 
Began your schooling here as my — 

Ccesar : Silence ! Away with him ! remove them both. 

Scene III. [lite same. A passageway leading to the upjier 
staircase. Enter Pliera a?id a jnessage boy]. 
Pliers : Here, Skip, run to the corner shoe store ; 
Stay not to scratch thy head, but go at once. 
Why dost thou stare at me so foolishly ? [form ? 
Soy : Good Pliers, being there, what deed shall I per- 
Pliers : Alas ! too true ; I had forgot to tell thee. 

Here, bestow this roll of scrip with neighbor 

Bootlace, 
And bid him send to me the overshoes I looked at. 
I would have them ere Cisesar goes to dinner. 
Come, be off; there's millions in it. 
Boy : Millions in it ? When I have got the scrip 

Suppose I fail and pay but ten cents on the dollar. 
Pliers: Fail ? In Smith's Manual of Telegraphy 
There is no such word as fail. Away ! 
I'll wait for thee down in the second corridor, 
But fail me and this hour you'll surely rue. 
My quick promotion hangs upon a shoe. 

[Exit Pliers and boy]. 
Enter a reporter for the Journal of the Telegraph], 
Hep : Here will I stand till Cffisar goes to dinner. 
And as a Soothsayer will I give him warning 
Of this disgraceful and injurious plot. 
[Enter Caesar and train, Antony Brown, Lepidus 
Patrick, Brutus Armature, Casa B. Anchor, Indigo, 
Ostrich, iShrub, Maris, and a crowd of operators fol- 
lowing]. 
Hep : Caisar. 

Ciesar: Hark ! some one did call me. 
Antony : What, ho ! let every hoof keep silent. 
Ciesar : Who is it in the corridor that calls me. 
I heard a voice louder than forty sounders 
Cry Csesar. Speak : the Big Ingun's liere. 
Sep : Beware the banister stairs. 
Ciesar: What loafer's that? [Caesar, 

Casa. B: A Reporter for the Journal of the Telegraph, 

Bids Vhee beware of the banister stairs. 
Ccesar : Let him approach ; make room for him. 
Casa B.: Come forward, stranger, don't be bashful, 
Hans : Take your hat off. [period. 

Casar: Now, then, what is it you say? Go ahead 
Hep : Beware the banister stairs. 
Ccesar: He's drunk. Let us leave him and pass on ; 
And you, Lepidus, send for a policeman 
And have him taken care of. 
L. Patrick : It shall be done, my lord. 
Cu!sar : Antonius ! 
Antony: Caesar. 

Ciesar : Let me have men about me that are clean ; 
Well barbered men, and such as wear white shirts 
Yond Casa has a damp and moldy look ; 
His hat is badly battered ; And I'll be sworn 
The soiled paper collar he has on 
He's worn ere since last pay-day. 
His clothing fits him not, and bears about it 

An ancient odor, reminding you of benzine or 

Antony ; Phosphate ? 

Ciesar: Ay, such men are dangerous. 

Antony : He is dangerous ; trust him not, Caesar, 

He is an ignoble showman. 
Ccesar: I never trust ; but if I were in the trusting bus- 
iness, [trust 
I do not know the man whom I would not sooner 
Than this damp Casa. 
[Exeunt Ciesar and train. Brutus, Indigo, Bans, Ostrich, 
and Shrub remain behind] . 
Brutus: I know not what vou and all the other boys 
May think of this Great Mogul, [about him, 
But tor mine own part 1 am ashamed to fawn 
And feed upon the crums he throws to us. 
I call myself as good a man as Ciesar ; so do you ; 
We both can send as well ; and we can both 
Receive a sheet of press as well as he. 
For I remember once upon election day 
When business was most brisk, aad all the books 



THE CARNIVAL OF OSEKOSH. 



19 



Were runninc; o'er with specials ; Caesar said to me, 

Hush it, Bmtus, strike a lirctij gait ; 

And so, indeed I did. The lightning 

Flashed from both our relays ; and the speed, 

Although I did not time it." might have averaged 

Some forty words a minute. 

But ere I'd salted him fur half an hour, 

Caesar wrote, L(t up, Brutus, or I break, 

I, as John Milliken, our great champion, 

Did with his index finger pat the I;ey 

While sending day report, so did I go slow 

For tired Caesar, and this plug 

Has now beeome our boss ; and Brutus 

Must put his corns into his pocket 

If Caesar carelessly but tread on them. 

[Shout mithinl. 

Indino: He went a fishing when he was down east — 
Went in a crowded steamboat to the Shoals ; 
And I did mark, when the swell was on. 
How he grew seasick. Ye gods, our boss was sea- 
sick ! 
The chowdered clam did from his stomach fly ; 
Ay, and that tongue of his, whose slightest accent 
Starts the trembling plug into a nervous fever, 
Alas ! it cried Oh! Captain, do stop the boat. 
Our captain was a jovial son of Neptune, 
Who tumbled to the joke : and by his order 
The colored stewardess, her fat sides 
Shaking with immoderate laughter, came 
And led him down below. 
{Anothtr shout.) 

Sruius: What means this shouting ? 

Shrub: The lady operators, no doubt, have halted 
Cffisar, 
As they projiosed to do this very noon, 
And crown his brow with Mayflowers. 

[Enter Ca.^a B. Anchor'] . 
Brutus: Well, Casa, what's all this row down in the 

lower entry ? 
Casa B. : Why, Caesar's friends offered him a present 

That he refused, and his enemies gave him a fall 

That he accepted. 
Indigo : Who offered him a present ? 
Casa B. : The noble Pliers ; thrice he offered him 

A pair of gilt-edged overshoes. 

And thrice he tried to put them on. 

But each time gave it o'er ; they were 

Too small for his big feet. 
Mans : And who gave him the fall ? 
Casa B. : Why, Tom and Jerry ; you know they had 
the trap set. 

The stairs were thickly covered o'er with grease 

Which Cassar might have noticed ; 

But hurrying to escape a crowd of girls. 

Who wished to crown him with some lilacs, 

The tyrant slipped upon the foremost stair, 

And fell from top to bottom. 
Ostrich : And then ? 
Casa B. : And the female operators made a rush. 

All sliding down together, screaming all, 

And crdwiied him as he lay. But when 

Upon examination it was found 

That he was senseless, the girls cried out 



Oh ! what a dreadful shame I Antonio Brown, 

Lepidus Patrick, Pliers, and some others 

Conveyed him on a shutter to his house. 

And more than that, our comrades, Tom and Jerry, 

Their clothing all besmirched with parilSne 

Have been arrested on suspicion. 
Brutiis: Alas! poor Tom. 
Indigo: And Jerry ; both in durance vile ; 

[A.nde]. 

I, faith, I'll let them tarry there awhile. 
\Enter Grimes]. 
Slirub : Yonder comes old man Grimes — mark his pale 
face. 

His eyes are rolling horribly. 
Orimes: Sculpin ! Sculpin ! come, they shall not get 
you. 

Your grandad will protect you, boy, ho ! ho ! 

I'll hide you in a cask of vitrol ; so ! 
Bndus : He raves ; his wits are gone. 
Ostrich.: The hianager's severity to his grandson 

Hath set the old man crazy. 
Indigo: How fares it with you, Uncle ? 
Orimes: Hist! they come; crawl in my rubber boots. 

The}' must be large enough to hide a message boy. 

The scoundrels made me pay a quarter, Sculpin, 

The seventh part of all my yearly earnings ; 

But I will cheat the hungry rascals yet. 

It was another counterteit. 
Indigo : Grimes, dost thou not know me ? Come, 

Tell us, where is poor Sculpin '? 
Grimes: Ask Ctesar; liist he made me chalk up, 

And then put Sculpin in the lockup. 

\Falh]. 
Indigo: Goodness ! he's fainted ; here, help me raise 

him, somebody. 
Ostrich: Throw water on him. 
Brutus: How feel you now, old man ? 
Grimes : I feel like a moining star. f/)i«s]. 

Indigo: He's dead. 
Hans : Dead as a boiled lobster. 
All: [kinging]. 

Old Grimes is dead, our battery man. 

He was an av:ful bore ; 

He used to wear blue overalls 

When rnopiyig upthejioor. 

Wlicit itinpiiKj vp tjiejloor — 

He alii'ajs drank Ma share of beer. 

But never paid the score. 

He always ^corked till late at night 
Though he was vp betimes. 
The battery cups were always full 
And so was Uncle Grimes. 
And so ^vas Uncle Grimes — 
He ne'er refused to take a pidl 
If some oui: planked the dimes. 

He listed in the lir/ht dragoons, 

And fought at Waterloo ; 

He\s taketi many a battery {down) 

And -inany an oyster stew. 

A7id many an oysttr slew — 

Where all our stray tobacco went 

We always thought he knew. [Exevni.l 



ACT II 



Scene 1. [The lower corridor. Shouts and noise withottt. 
Enter Indigo and Hans meeting.] 

j Indigo: Well, have you been successful ? 

I Han.'i: Ay, rest you easy there. Upon the street 
Just now, I did stir up a hornet's nest ; 
The bees will swarm anon, and then will I 
Here on the stairs speak further to them 
Of this high-handed wrong to Brutus done; 



Ere night I hope to see prond Ca?sar stnmg. 
Indigo: Ostrich, Casa B., and Shrub, the snbstitntfe. 
With certain others, have gone to meet the night 

force 
As they come from their work. 
But, look you, Hans, I would be careful 
Not to call names aloud ; and when you speak 
Of CiEsar, do not cry him through the town 
Nor make your meaning too direct and broad. 



30 



THE CAMNIVAL OF OSUEOSK 



But rather let it be ambiguous — see? 

Desi,2;nate hira in some fiuch wa^' as this : 
" Tlie black-eyed Soman with the eagWs beak 

Between those eijes that ne'er beheld a conqueror.'" 
Sans: I will remember: softly, here they come. 
[Enter a crowd of operators armed with stuffed clxibs, 

umbrellas, bane ball bats, and other implements of 
ancient and modern V)arfare.'\ 
\st Operator: Brutus Armature ! What ho, Brutus ! 
2^ Operator: Down with the manager! — rout him 

out. 
Hans: Brothers, hear me once again. 
Sd Operator : A ring ! a ring ! — keep quiet all 

We'll hear the rest of this. 
Mans: I know you all do love llie noble Brutus, 

For when did ever he refuse to sub 

For tliirty cents an hour? 
ith Operator: Never! Hans, never! 
bth Operator: What are the charges 'gainst him? 
Sans: They tried to make hitn own another bull; 

And when he told the accusers that they lied. 

They straight relieved him on the quadruples, 

And, rumor says, he is to be discharged. 
Sd Operator: We'll not submit to it ! 
S>th Operator: Down with the officers ! 
2d Operator: Haze 'em ! haze 'em ! 
Sana: Good; let us go together as one man 

And right our several injuries. 
\st Operator: Who shall we begin with? 
Sans: Let the first victim be Ambiguous: 

" The black-eyed Mormon with such fearful cheek 

Between those eyes that ne'er beheld a cucumber." 
Indigo: [Aside] Oh, ye immortal gods ! 
4ih Operator : There ! there's a man for you, boys. 

Why, the lad has all the poets by heart, 

And quotes them as easily as I can sing Mother 
Goose. 
Sd Operator: And shall we kill Lepidns Patrick, too? 
5(A Operator : Lepidus is a good man. 
Indigo: Lepidus Patrick?— down with Lepidns Pat- 
trick! 

Why, lads, 'tis he who holds our money back, 

And makes us pay a grievous rate of interest 

For using our own funds. He marks the times 

And says, forsooth, the company is poor; 

Reinuliates its honest obligation; 

And faith, I think, if he could have his way. 

The cur would water all our national stock. 

What! shall we take our honest dues in due billB 

And dirty promissory notes ? 
2d OperaUir: Enough ! say no more; he dies. 
ith Operator: What about Antony Brown? 
I/idigo : Antonius is smart— hntr widespread notoriety. 

He is an operator, I'll admit; and handles wires 

Better than any man of all our force ; 

But, then, he does it for Antonius Brown, not us ; 

He is no tribune, standing tor our rights 

Against oppression ; he is for himself. 

He strikes a happy medium 'twixt corrnption and 
reform. 

And calls it no ill-wind that blows him any good. 
Sd Operator: Chalk him down; he's the worst rat in 

the hole. 
1st Operator: Indigo is right, as he always is. 
2d Operator: For my part I think Indigo should be 

manager. 
6th Ojyerator: Or he or Brutus Armature. 
Indigo: Talk you of Brutus— Brutus Armature? 

Why, he is out of favor, out of fashion. 

He will not Batter CiEsar; speaks his mind 

About oppression, dishonesty and wrong; 

Therefore, doth Caesar p.a.'ss him coldly by; 

The chiefs regard hira with suspicious frown; 

And you, good friends, forgetful of his merit — 
1st Operator: Not so ; we think the boy will suit us; 

Proud Coesar's rule we here adjure; 

Lads, altogether once, for Brutus ! 
Operators: Rah for Brutus Arm.tture! 

[Enter Antony Brown and Lepidns Fbtriek. 



Sd Operator: Here come the tyrants ; now keep to- 
gether, boys. 
5th Operator: Oh, don't get behind me. 
ith Operator: Stand! Antony ; we would investigate 

you. 
Antony: What is the trouble now— you noisy plugs ? 
3d Operator: Oh, come ; you're no great shakes. 
ith Oj>erator: You'll find we can pound something be- 
sides brass. 
2d Operator: And sling something besides ink. 
3d Operator: Better cut out while you may. 
Antony : What's this— another strike ? 
ls( Operator: Ay, a strike from the shoulder. 
L. Patrick: Come, lads, tell us what's the matter. 

If we have done you wrong in any way 

It shall be rectified. 
ith Operator: What have you done to noble Brutu» 
Armature ? 

Answer me that I 
2d Operator : Or we shall adjust you. 
\st Operator: Ay, and salt you. 
3d Operator : Ay, and ground you. 
Antony : Why, Biutus is all right. He was but rep- 
rimanded 
. And soon, no doubt, will get his wire back 

If he but keep his tongue still. 
L. Patrick : Now, mark me ; this rebellious attitude 

Becomes you not ; nor have you honest reason 

For discontent, being treated well and fairly. 

Our corporation represents a tree; 

Commencing in the ground it spreads its growth 

O'er all this mighty land. You are the branches. 

The harvest, urito which we all contribute, 

The united product of our several labors 

Must to the mother stock be all accredited ; 

But every bough receives his share of benefits. 

And draws his sustenance from out the common 
trunk. 

Each one according to his yield and fruitage. 

And every limb wliich beareth not good fruit 

Is pruned and cast away. 
Antony : Very well spoken— what say you to it? 

You, the black knot of this fair cherry tree. 
Indigo : I, the black knot ! 
Anlony : You : for your discontent and rottenness 

Not only impairs your own usefulness. 

But the contagion spreads to all your neighbors, 

And you, Sir Curculio 

Sans: Curculio ! 

Antony : Ay, for you wither all the fruit you touch ; 

In other words, my friend, you are a plug ; 

And every message passing through your hands 

Is likely to receive some strange addition. 

Or vicious matter foreign to the text. 

Marring its purity; and, like a blighted plum, 

It soon breeds mischief. [Clock strikes]. 

Hark! 'tis eight o'clock ; your desks await you. 
\Exeu7it all but Lepidus and Antony]. 
L. Patrick: Is it true that our company has gobbled 

the A & P.? 
Antony : No, and never will be. The story serves a 
purpose ; 

It lesesns public confidence in opposition 

And raises the price of stock. 
L. Pxtrick : We have some shrewd advisers in the me- 
tropolis. 

Come, shall we go in? [Eieunt.] 

Scene II. Operating-room. Cashier's desk in front, mana- 
ger's desk in rear; instrument tables right and left 
center. Operators at work; Quill, the bookkeeper, 
seated at cashier's deak writing. CcBsar, Antony 
Brown, Lepidus Patrick, and Pliers standing in front 
of manager's desk], 
Ccesar: I think as you do, that the surly knaves 

Have had more kindness shown them than is 

prudent; 
Receiving favors when they merit kicks. 
They soou learn to presume on our good nature, 
And grow unmindful of our high authority. 



THE CARNIVAL OF OSHKOSH. 



31 



Such mode of treating these rebellious curs 
Is not consistent with the general policy. 
So do we err wherein we overfeed them ; 
They have full lifteen minutes for their dinner — 
It should be ten ; and then their monthly pay, 
If rightly portioned out, would not allow them 
To feast on meats and other hearty victuals. 
If we would rule these miscreants, we must 

starve them ; 
But speak of this hereafter. I have been 
Commissioned to appoint from out our force 
Some one of merit, honor, and discretion. 
Well versed in lineman's and repairer's duties, 
To take control of all our outside work ; 
And I do know but one who's competent 
In every way for such responsibility. 
Noble Pliers, my choice doth fall on thee ; 
Henceforth be thou our Foreman of Repairs. 

Quill: [Aride] Now, won't this rooster go and put on 
airs. 

\st. Operator : A speech, Pliers. 

Operators: Speech ! speech ! 

fliers : [ Takes paper from his pocket and reads.'\ 

Kind friends, my heart is i7i a lump ; 
JUns by me this time I beseech : 
For tlioiirjh I'm sometimes on the stump, 
Iinake a better splice than speech. 
A well-done joint is my best hold : 
Though you prefer your steady roast. 
In rain and sunahine, storm and cold, 
You'll find me always at my post. 

But this won't do ; excuse me, sirs. 
For I must go and win my spurs. 
[fliers, Antony, and Lcpidus retire in consultation. 
Ciesar comes forward to cashier's desk.] 
Caesar: How come you on with last week's sum- 
mary ? 
Quill : Cffisar, well ; there's no discrepancy 
Between ray figures and this last report — 
Lepidus Patrick is a good accountant, 
Coesar : Where is the cash book '? 
Quill : Csesar, but now I laid it on the desk 
Within your private ollice, as you asked 
For the sura total of our gross receipts. ' 

Coesar: Go, bring it hither ; I will count the money 
Here in the cash box and compare the sums. 
[Exit Quill. Brutus, Indigo, Casa B., Hans, Ostrich, 
and Shrub come forward toget/wr and stand on 
left of cashier's desk.] 

Indigo : Have all of you your register weights ? 

Hans : We are all prepared and ready. 

Brutus : You, Casa, must secure the money. 
Come, who speaks first? 

Ostrich : Great Cassar, my washing bills are overdue 
Old Bridget threatens to trustee my wages. 
And holds my raiment as collateral security 
For what I owe her. I pray you let me have 
Two dollars on account to keep her quiet. 

Ccesar : Away !— one is eighty-three and two are eighty- 
five. 

Ostrich : What ! not two dollars ? 

Coesar: And ten arc ninety-five, and five are a hun- 
dred- 
No ! not a soumarkee. 

Indigo : CoBsar, can I draw three dollars on account ? 

Ccesar: No, my gladiator ; wait till pay-day comes. 

Brutus : I crave your pardon, Csesar, but my wants 
Are pressing, my exchequer's low. 

Ccesar : Come, be oil ; you're troublesome. 

Shrub : For just one dollar, Caesar, do 1 humbly beg. 

Ccesar : What ! doth not Brutus seriplcss squeal ? 

Casa B.: (iiiezing the cash-box) Speak, Hans, for me. 

[Mans hits Ccesar on the nose with a register weigld. 
CiCiar retaliates with an inkstand and prejxires 
to follow it up Willi, the stove poker, when Ite is 
struck by several other conspirators, and last of 
all by Brutus Armature] 



Ceetar ; And thou too, brute I ass I [Dies. Tlie operat- 
ors and message boys retire in confusion, and 
general disorder eyisues.] 
Ostrich: "To the victors belong the spoils " — 

How much money is there, Casa ? 
Hans: Look here, Shrub, this overcoat of Cffisar's 
Could hardly fit me better on the back 
If I, myself, had stood the model for it. 
Ami here's a handkerchief — it smells of ess. 

bouquet ; 
This CiEsar had some style about him. 
Shrub : These boots are awful large ; I've heard It 
said 
That Cajsar's feet did never get their growth 
Till he was thirty-seven years of age. 
Hans: Christopher ! if his brain had thus developed 
He would have been a tearer, no mistake — 
How doth his hat become me '? 
Brutus : Fellows, do not run ; here lies our game. 
Indigo: VVe have hit the bulls-eye fair and squarely 

And want no meaner mark. 
Brutus: Stand fast ! no harm is threatened you. 
In this fell deed you see but retribution — 
Another tyrant ollcred up to Freedom : 
Your Cajsar hath but paid the common penalty 
Of tyranny, oppression, and misrule. 
Casa B.: Go to the corridor, Brutus, and explain — 
Speak calmly to them — tell them of our wrongs. 
The boys are badly frightened. 
(Enter Quill and (Joahead with a white flag). 
Brutus : Who comes here '/ 
Ostrich : Goahead, wearing a white signal 

For some one following— 'tis Quill, the book- 
keeper. 
Hans; That, means he has the right of the track back 

again. 
Quill : I am under a flag of truce. 
Brutus: 'Tis superfiuous— we will not harm thee. 

What woulUst thou with us ? 
Quill: Antony would know if he may come 
Here to the scene of this most bloody deed, 
And listen to your explanation. 
He bid me say, that if you dared to meet him 
In open argument with all our force assembled — 
You to make known your reasons for this vio- 
lence. 
And show how you justify your action, 
The crowd to be the umpires of debate — 
That in behalf of murdered Cassar, he 
Will answer you in fair and moderate discourse. 
Brutus: What answer shall we make ? Autonius 
Brown 
By virtue of his rank and seniority 
Was second only to the manager. 
Indigo : Of all the planets in our solar system 
Great Jupiter is first, ; yet doth he shine 
But as a mirror in the sun's refulgence ; 
Which being darkened, his gigantic bulk 
Would vanish in obscurity. 
So, Antony, though standing near the throne, 
Did but rellect the power of mighty Ca;sar ; 
And now his sun's eelisped, no one will mark 
Brutus: Go, tell Autonius it is a bargain. [him. 

He may come here and argue with us 
As to the justice of our act and cause ; 
The congregated force shall judge between us, 
And we will bide the issue. 

[Exit Quill and Goa/uad.] 
Shrub : This Antony has a tongue of his own ; 

I fear he'll make it warm tor all of us. 
CasaB.: Bah ! he's overrated ; and the chances 
Are ten to one he dare n(jt speak at all — 
See, here he comes- Brutus wid talk him blind. 
[lie-enter Antony, Lepidus, Quill, Goaliead, and a 
crowd of operators, lineuicn, messengers, and 
other employes]. 

Antony : Oh, what a sad and dreadful sight is here. - 
Alas! i^oor Cicsar — [ness ; 

Brutus : Come, stop that sniveling and attend to busi- 
You can howl afterward. 



THE CAMNIVAL OF OSHEOSH. 



Antony : Oh, horrors ! here, let me say two words. 
Brutua : I beg your pardon ; after meis manners. 
1st. Operator : We'll hear Brutus speak. 

(Brutui! goex to the platform in. front of the mana- 
ger's desk.] 

Ostrich : One at a time ; they'll last the longer. 
Now, all keep silence. 

J}rutus: Operators, countrymen, and plugs. 

If there is any one here to whom Cjesar owed 
any money, to him I say that my loss is no 
less than his. If, then, you would know why 
I put a head on him, this is my answer — not 
that I loved Cajsar less, but that I loved green- 
backs more. Had you rather Caesar were liv- 
ing and all die in the poorhouse, than that 
Cajsar were dead and greenbacks plenty 
as — as Bill Allen's scheme could make them ? 
Cjesar was a lunkhead, and I despised him ; 
he was a deadhead, and I hated him ; he was 
a copperhead, and I feared him ; he was a 
saphead, and I slew him. He thought we had 
not the courage to resist our wrongs ; he 
used us but as stepping-stones to his vile am- 
bition ; and this same sllding-scale, so odious 
and oppressive to you all, was planned by him 
ere first it was suggested. There is a penny 
for his thoughts, a tig for his ambition, and 
a weight for his sliding-scale. Who is hereso 
base that would rectify old error sheets ? If 
■ any, speak ; for him have I offended. Who is 
here so vile that would eat his dinner in five 
minutes, for the dj'spepsia and seven dollars 
a week ? If any, speak ; for him have I of- 
fended. 

Z. Patrick : I would, for one. 

£rutus: You're nobody ; so nobody have I offended. 
I have done no more to Caesar, this morning, 
than Cffisar has been doing to you (by inches) 
these many years. The question of his death 
is enrolled in Tue Operator— copies of which 
can be procured at the newstand and at the 
door. Students, and operators under fifteen 
years of age, not admitted unless furnished 
with an honorable discharge by the president 
of this company. 

Jndigo: All you fellers that join our party 

Come to the battery-room and get your scrip ; 
The whole amount shall be divided. 

Casa B.: Come on, boys, to the battery-room. 

Operators : Rally 'round the cash bos. 

[Exeunt conspirators, followed by some of the opera- 
tors.] 

Antony : Thismurderous wrong hath quite unmanned 
me. 
Quill, go you and answer Brutug. 

Quill : Not so, my frieud ; I never made a speech ; 
If any of these roosters want to bet, 
I am their hairpin. 

5th O/xrator : Speak, Antony. 

6(A Operator : We'll hear the other side of this ques- 
tion. 

Antony : My worthy friends, the noble Brutus 
Hath told you C.'esar was a copperhead ; 
I cannot tell ; his vote was always sold 
At market price, regardless of the ticket. 
But that he was a lunkhead, I deny. 
What have we here ?— a package of torn scrip 
As I'm alive — the rascals did o'erlook it. 
Now, look you, friends ; these ragged quarters 
The banks refused to take upon deposit ; 
And Ctesar, ever mindful of your interests, 
Resolved to liquidate his obligations 
To you, and all who sign our monthly pay-roll, 
By paying them in this rejected scrip, 
And scrip is now at premium — I think 
Some three cents on the dollar. In this 
Did Caesar show his great benevolence; 
But Brutus says he was a lunkhead ; 



And Brutus is a first-class man. 

Last Fourth of July he gave you all a holiday— 

(Or would, if Duxbury had not objected) ; 

Did this in Cffisarseem tyrannical ? 

Yet Brutus says he was asaphead ; 

And Brutus is a flrst-ciass man. 

5th Operator : Why, how now fellers ; do you tumble 
to it? 

6fh Operator : Ay, there has been foul play here, 

'ith Operator: I say, as I always did ; it's a bad scrape. 

St?i Operator: Ca;sar hath been most vilely used. 

Antony : Why, here is Caesar's watch, still ticking; 
Behold it. view this nickel-plated chain ; 
That it did 'scape the hungry villains' search 
Is something wonderful. I recollect the time 
When Caesar and myself, with certain others. 
Went on a bender one Thanksgiving Day ; 
And when our several pocket-books were empty, 
And naught remaiucd of all our monthly pay, 
Caesar did coolly pawn both watch and chain 
For money to supply his wants and ours. 
Did this in Ca!sar show a niggard spirit? 
Y'et Brutus says he was a deadhead ; 
And certainly he is a first-class man. 

'ith Operator: First-class man ! — he's a vile plug. 

^th Operator: Tear him to pieces ! Down with them 
all! 

Antony : Good Friends 

hth Operator : Once more, attention ! 

Antony : Let me tell you something of this Brutus. 
He went a gunning when he worked out west, 
And roamed the country many miles around 
In search of prairie chickens ; but at night. 
As he went trudging home with empty game-bag, 
Much grieved and mortified at his jioor luck, 
It chanced he eaine upon a squatter's cabin 
Upon the outskirts of this country town ; 
This squatter had a rooster, tied to a tree, 
With which he tolled his wealthier neighbors' 

hens. 
And thereby got his family fresh eggs 
Without the cost of hen-keeping. 
Now, mark me, friends, this Brutus Armature 
Did shoot the honest squatter's rooster dead ; 
And plucking off its coat of brilliant hue. 
He tied the crower to his empty pouch ; 
And, as Achilles took the slaughtered Hector 
To grace, perchance to grease, his ch;u'iot wheels. 
So mighty Brutus wore his trophj'home. 
And sold it to his landlord for a partridge. 
What call you such a deed as that. 
My brothers all ? 

Operators: Murder most fowl! 

Sth Operator : This Brutus is a bad man. 

bth Operator : He is a traitor ; so are all his gang 1 

Operators : Down with the conspirators ! 
\Eutcr Miers.] 

Pliers: Most noble Antony ; Brutus and Indigo, 
With all the members of his bloody ring, 
Together with a crowd of their admirers, 
Do told carousal in the battery-room. 
The total force is evenly divided ; 
One half the number being discontented 
Have rallied 'round the standard of these traitors; 
The other half stand firm for law ami order ; 
And, as they ask for vengeance on the murderers. 
They cry, " JVo leader will we have hut Antony I 
Our worthy chief a7td manager pro (em." 

6r/j Operator : Antonlus shall be our general I 
Long live Antony Brown. 

Antony: I thank you, friends, and will assume the 
office 
Until some one is found with more experience ; 
Then will I render up my charge to him 
And join you in the ranks. 
Now, then, to council, organize, and plan ; 
And afterward refresh the inner man ; 
The best fed dog is like to prove the winner^ 
Perhaps we'd better wait till after dinner. 

[Exeunt.] 




Mans: Tuis Overcoat o' Cesar's could hardly fit me betteu ox the back if I 

MYSELF UAD STOOD TUE MODEL EOK IT. Act 11. ScOie 2d. 



24 



THE CARNIVAL OF OSEKOSH. 



ACT III 



BOBNE 1. \Tlie coat-room. Enter Indigo and Ostrich, at- 
tired in gorgeous armor, borrowed for the occasion at 
Booth's Theater, New York.] 

Indigo: This room is neutral ground. [Opening a 
closet.] 

And liere is safe concealment for a spy. 

It would advantage much if we could learn 

What matter Autony doth have in hand, 

And if he purpose to attack our lines 

To-day, or wait for reinforcements. 

Most valiant Ostrich, hide your portly form 

Within this closet ; keep your ears wide open ; 

And if it chance that any of their force 

Do hither eome and speak of what is brewing, 

Make haste to join us in the battery-room 

And render your report. 
Ostrich: I do not like this spying, over much ; 

Do you, brave Indigo, attempt the part. 
Indigo: Thou knowest I have got that upon my hands 

Which must not be neglected. Get you in ; 

The boys will much coinmeud you for your brav- 
ery. 
Oitrich : I do not like it. What may I call your name, 

My embryo plug? 
Boy: Agamemnon, sir. 

Ostrich : I know thee well ; thou art both wise and 
valiant. 

Good Agamemnon, I prayeth thee be our spy ; 

And when my ship comes safely into port 

I will reward thee. 
Boy : Not I, good sirs ; I want no part of it. 
Indigo: Such childish fears but ill advance your In- 
terests. 

It you would win distinction and renown, 

Then must you hazard something for the prize ; 

Your reputation hangs upon your deeds 

And will not stand without them. 
Ostrich : I am not so ambitious to be great. 

But would be healthy. [ Goes into the closet.] 
Indigo: This spice of risk the honor but enhances ; 

In love and war we all must take our chances. 
[E7iter Reporter for the Journal of the Telegraph.] 
Sep. : Good morrow, friend ; pray tell me where I'll 
And 

Tour worthy manager. My errand is to learn 

The full particulars of this unpleasantness. 
Indigo : Our manager ? Alas ! kind sir, he's gone. 
Itep. : Gone !— gone where ? 

Indigo: Why, where the woodbine twineth. This 
very morn 

Was Caesar 

Sep. : Cssar V I spoke of Antony— Antonio Brown. 
Indigo : What paper are you on ? 
Sep. : I am for the Journal oftfte Telegraph. 
Indigo: 'I'be Journal .' 

Hark you, Aggie [ Whisjiers to boy] 

Come, will you do it, lad ? 
Boy: Aye, sir, never trust me else. 
Indigo: This boy wiU bring you to the manager ; 

Commend me to his kind remembrauce. 
Sep. : I am much beholden to you, friend. 

[Etunt Indigo, reporter, and boy. Enter Lepidta 
Uttrick, Quill, Goahcad, and forces.] 
L. Bttrick : Stand 1 Here must we leave videttes. 

Sergeant Quill 1 
Quill : Here 1 am. 

Z. ratrick : Corporal Goahead ! r „ , 

Ooahead: Present. [relieved 

L Itilrick: You two will guard this outpost until 

No skulking ; keep your eyes peeled ; 

And if you see a traitor, shoot hian first 

And challenge afterward. Forward ! 

[Ej:euut aV. but Qiull and Ooahead.] 
■ QuiU ■ This is dry work. Corporal Goahead. 
eoahead : 1 care not how dry it is. Sergeant ; 

An' it be not dangerous I am content. 



QuiU : We are more like to die of thirst thaq powdeb 

Lay there, old trophy. 

[Throwing down his muslat,^ 

I will be back anon. \_Ei:it.] 
Ooahead: [Sings]— 

If a lassie tell a laddie 

That he is rather shy. 
Should that laddie kiss that lassie 

Or crawl in some pigsty / 
Every wire has its liar, 

None, they say, is Go, 
Yet all the lads are down, on me 

Because I'm rather slow. 

If an old 'un catch a young 'un 

Salting down a plug. 
Should lie take him up and shake him, 

Or put him in the jug? 
Oh.tliese clashe':, dots, and dashes, 

FUl me with disgust ; 
And all the fellers growling out, 

" Why don't that plug adjust?" 

Says my teacher to this screecher. 

You forgot to sign : 
Toti're a student, so you shouldn't 

Meddle with the line; 
Now you're breaking— oh, I'm quaking. 

What a dreadful row ; 
You hadn't ought to try to swim 

TUl ajter you learn how. 

President Eckert's in the rear cart. 

Thereby /tangs a tale: 
Pi-eside)it Orton, not forgotten. 

See our sliding-scale. 
On ttie circuit, those who work it 

Keep me in disgrace ; 
They say I always use my ground, 

And never stop to space. 

Somiet are thriving, members bribing, 

nhile our Congress meets ; 
Some conniving, others striving 

For t/w highest seats. 
Just remember, next November 

Wi7ids them up for life ; 
Rings and parties we'll dismember 

In. the coming strij'e. 

[Re enter Quill with a bottle.] 

QuiU: (Sings-J 

Raise the wind I must — 

But all the lads steer clear of me 

\ihen I get on a bust. 

Ooahead : What have you got there, Sergeant ? 

Quill: I have drawn upon the company's supplies 
For wet rations. This is something lilic [Sings\ : 
There is one pretty comfort w!ien all others fail. 
So /lere's to theflaggon of jolly brown ale, 
Turn it down. [Dri7iks.] 

Ooahead: Give us some. 

Quill : You are a temperance man, and I have sworn 
To give no aid and comfort to the enemy. 

[Drinlcs.] 
This liquor is too rich for plugs to use ; 
'Tis a choice brand, a relic of antiquity, 
And faith, the cobwebs were so thick upon It 
I took it for a hornet's nest. {Drinks.] 

Ooahead. You are a Maine man, Sergeant, 

And should not set us such a bad example. 
" Consistency's a jewel." 

QuiU : So was our late Postmaster-General. Does he 
drink water? [ient. 

Ooahead : I can not say. They talk of him for Presl- 



THE CARNIVAL OF OSUKOSU. 



Quill: Ho shall have my vote ; anything to beat Orton. 

Here's to Post-Geueral Consis'teacy. {Drinks.'\ 
Ooahead: Orton, man ?— who spoke of OrtOD? 

I said, " of the United States." 
Quill : Aye, 'twas a good line ; I worked on it. 

And so did Casa B. Anchor : 

But this insatiate monster gobbled it. 
Ooahead: [Aside] Poor boy ! his mind is wandering. 

I fear he hath a touch of sunstroke. 
Quill: Now are the victims of our fifteen per cent 

Made glorious bummers by this son of — Tork ; 

And all the champions that subbed about our line 

In the deep bosom of the opposition buried. 
Ooahead: Alas! poor Ghost. 
Quill: Now are our dinners eaten in undue haste ; 

Our bruised arms our sole emoluments ; 

Our pow-wows changed to indignation meetings; 

Grim-visag'd 

Ostrich : [ Within] Bravo ! Give it to them, lad ! 
{ExU Quill and Ooahead. Se-enter Lepidus Patrick and 
soldiers. ] 
Zd Operator: Here is a copy of The Operatob. 

Just captured from ihe traitor Ostrich. 
L. FtUrick: I, et me peruse it. 'Tis a spicy sheet, 

But independent. They say our honored presi- 
dent. 

Heaven bless him, hates it as a plug hates salt. 

Why, here is Ciesar's epitaph — a most vile slander ; 

I'll go show this to Antony. {Exit.] 

SciNE 2. [ The operatirtj-room. Antony Broion seated at 
Manager's desk ; Pliers and several operators stand- 
ing near. Enter an operator.] 
Operator : General, the forces of the A. & P. 
Do hither come, intent on our destruction. 
The manager hath sworn to give no quarter ; 
The people cry, " Long live the opposUion I " 
And since this doleful news hath reached our lines 
The soldiers have become demoralized. 
Antony : This story is a hoax, some idle rumor 
That Brutus Armature hath given shape to, 
And indirectly sent into our lines. 
Hoping thereby he may create a panic. 
But if 'twere true, this opposition rabble 
Will never dare to meet us in the field ; 
The very name of Western Union Telegraph 
Doth chill them to the marrow of their bones. 
Wheii we have squared accounts with these con- 
spirators. 
We will, if their brief courage hold, chastise them. 
Go ! tell the boys they should not give such cred- 
ence to idle rumors. [Exit operator.^ 
Pliers, a word with you : 
I do not like this news. If we escape 
The swords of traitors, now aimed at our throats, 
We live but to become the cringing slaves 
Of this proud opposition. Our game lies here. 
To make such terms with this most worthy man- 
ager 
Of A. & P. as will insure employment 
For you and I and all within the ring. 
As for the other plugs, when we have used them 
To wreak our vengeance upon Caesar's murderers, 
Why, they may go to grass. See to it, Fliers, 
And make some contract ere they learn our plight ; 
For we will finesse though we cannot fight. 
Fliers: I will dispatch a messenger forthwith, 
{E}iter Lepidus Patrick.] 
Here comes Lepidus ; mayhap he brings some 
news. 
Antcmy : What cheer, my hearty ? 
L. Patrick: Ostrich, the plume, by valiant Quill Is 
slain. 
Within the traitor's pocket we did find 
This paper. Read it, noble Antony. 
Antony; The Operator! What's here, Caesar's epi- 
taph? 
The scoundrels ! [Heads.] 

I^use, linctnam, do not set your pole so near this 
hallowed mound. 



Just hitch a wire to my heels and set me for a ground. 
In days of yore, I used to work the duplex and the 

quad; 
But now. alas! I 'm cmly fit to ground a lightning rod. 
Here lie /, Cfesar, killedwilh a bar of iron, so they say; 
It matters not ; I woidd have run but traitors barred 

the way : 
AnS whai I tried to call for help, to do so was aposer; 
For Brutus threui an iron weight and broke my circuit 
closer. 
\st Operator : Confound it !— that paper should be 

suppressed. 
2d Operator : 'Tis a most villainous sheet, certainly ; 

And the editor of it is a bad egg. 
3d Operator: What right has he to publish a better 
paper 
Thau our official Journal— the blackguard ? 
He will aspire to be one of Conkling's backers, 
yet. 
ist Operator: Aye, and help frown down the Civil 

Service reform. 
3d Operator: The superintendent done a good chore 
for the company 
When he turned this fellow out of office. 
[Enter Reporters for the Journal of the Telegraph and boy.] 
Boy: General, a reporter for The Operatok desire* 

an audience. [Exit.] 

Antony : Seize him ! 

[Reporter is dragged foncard.] 
Art thou reporting for The Operator ? 
Reporter : Indeed, sir, I am not ; I'm for the Journal, 
Antony : Thy subterfuge comes too late. 

This slanderous article upon the death of Caesar, 
I nothing doubt thou art the author of. 
And thou Shalt eat thy words— aye, every scrap 
And morsel of the paper. Feed him, Lepidus. 
Here are the advertisements ; eat those first. 
Lepidus: Heard you v\hat the General said ? Come, 

eat! 
Reporter : No, thank you, 1 have no stomach for it — 

Nay, I protest. 
Antony: Thou protest ! Pliers, go bring your fixings ; 
We'll let this snoozer feel our bastinado. 

[Some of the operators take off reporter's shoes aiui .stockings; 
others connect two wires with the switchboard, and 
apply the ends to the soles of his feet. The reporter 
jumps ten feet in the air at the first a2)2}lication.] 

Reporter : Oh ! oh ! oh! Stop ! let up ! let up ! 

Hold, I have found my appetite. 
Antony : Tlien eat, and thank your stars, my friend, 

That you got off so easily. 
Lepidus: Now, then, here you are. 
Reporter: Oh, skip the advertisements. 
Aulo7ty: Not a letter of them. Come, begin. 

[Reporter eats part of the paper] . 
Reporter: Now let me go — I've had enough, I say. 
A7it07iy : Wilt try the bastinado once again ? 
Reporter: Not if the Convt— [Eats balance cf tfie paper.^ 

This is my first experience with the newspaper 

^ £ag. 

If dinner is over, I will e'en take my departure. 
Antony: What did he say ? [Eiit.] 

Pliers: He said his stomach felt like a mail bag. 
Antony: Idoubtitnot. Mayhap he will remember us 

When next he takes his slanderous pen in hand. 
[Enter a messenger.] 
Messenger: Brutus and Indigo, their forces all in arms. 

Are forming column in the lower corridor: 

And from a messenger, our pock pickets did 
surprise 

Upon the staircase, we learned of their intent 

To give us battle ere the day is spent. 
Anicmy : Pliers and Lepidus, fall in your companies. 

This is brave news. To arms ! to arms ! I say. 

Let the drum sound ! we'll meet the rogues hall 
way. 

Lepidus Patrick, you command alone ; 

For, in this fight I play the great unknown ; 



26 



THE CARNIVAL' OF OSHEOSH. 



When on the others they have spent their force, 
And all our champions put combat du horse, 
Then shout you all, in voices loud and shrill, 
Here comes the coriquerer of soft-s?teUed BiU. 
Then will I dawn upon their rapt attention ; 
And, nothing split, we'll carry the convention. 
Scene 3. [Tfie ujjper corridor. Enter Quill, Goahead,and 
Jbrces.'] 
QuiU : Halt ! Right dress !— every eye to the right- 
Front ! Steady on the right ! — why do you not 
fall back ? 
Goahead : I am Orderly Sergeant, you lunkhead. 
Quill: Thou art anything but orderly. 

Stand further back, I prithee. 
Ooa/iead : I ? Never ! I will not yield an inch of my 
rights 
For the best captain of infantry that ever wore 

sword — 
On the wrong side of his body. 
QuUl: We shallhave thee drawn and quartered for 
this; 
Ay, and conrt martialed, too. Thou plug I 
Thou art Thief Major of the regiment. 
Come, now, who was it that purloined my stock- 
ings 
This morning, early, ere I had got up ? 
Ooahead : I never knew before that you wore stock- 
ings ; 
What ails the man ?— he will tell us next 
That some one has stolen his moral character. 
[Enter Antony, I^pidus, and Pliers.'] 
QtiiU : Present arms ! 

Pliers: The leaders of the opposing force would parley. 
Antony: We'll join them in their war-dance. Captain 
Quill, 
Tour troops are most excellently drawn up. 
Ooahead: General, whate'cr our valiant Captain doth 
Is done at righi angles. 
The seam of his coat, the parting of his 
Back hair and the crest of his helmet, 
Are all in one straight line. 

Suill: Fall b.ick. Sergeant. 
oahcad : Away, Hercules, or I shall blow thee over, 
Enter Brutus, Indiyo, Mans, tihrub, and Casa B. Anchor, 
with forces.] 
Indigo : Stand ! 

Antony : Who goes there with so bold an air. 
Brutus • One, my dear sir. who will raise your hair. 
Quill : Just hear that pig squeal. 
Ooahead: He's got the mumps. 
Casa B. : It is your cut and your deal ; 

Clubs are trumps. 
Indigo: Look, what a batch of awkward, green re- 
cruits — 

A pack of monkeys dressed in iron suits ; 
And here's Lepidus, armed from head to toe— 
L. Patrick : Rail on, thou deep and dark-blue Indigo. 
Shrub : Oh, come to our husking, this brag is in vain ; 

Come take a few lessons in tegerdomain. 
Pliers: While bugle sounds parley you safely may 
croak ; 
When words change to blows I will make you re- 
voke ; 
The worst yon can do is to slander and scoff — 
CamB.: [Sings.] " 4nrf the poll iwog's danced till their 
fails dropped off.^^ 
Peace, old crossarm. 
Antony : Withdraw our forces for the battle. 

Away ! [^Exeunt Antony, Lepidus. Plici-s, QuiU, and 
Goahcud, and their troops.] 
Brutus: The army of the A. & P. come bravely on. 
We should make terms with them ere they arrive ; 
Or else, wbatc'er betide our present fortunes. 
We lose the game at last. I do not think 
Of all our number there can one be found 
Who willingly would render up his place 
Within our ranks, upon the eve of battle. 
And hazard all his chances of renown ; 
Tet some one must be found to play the courier/ 
Come, who shall it be ? 



Casa B. : I herewith sacriiice my love of glory, 

And take upon myself this arduous duty. 
Bans: Thou shalt not make such sacrifice for us. 

Stay, Casa, I will bear this dispatch. 
Shrub : Not so. you will be needed iu the field ; 

Let me perform the tasK. 
Indigo: Brave boys— [Aside] Oh, what a set of cow- 
ards ! 

Come, here is a pack of cards ; 

Ye shall draw lots for it. 
Shrub : Cut for it ; the first jack wins. 
Casa B. : Let me shuffle those cards. [Takes the pack 

a7id conceals a card in his sleeve.] 
Hans : Let's have a square deal, Casa. 
S/ti^ib: Ay, and no necromancy about it. 
Mans: [Draws.] The Queen of Diamonds ! 

Confound the luck, this is a poor beginning. 

I never was successful with the women. 
Shrub : [Draws.] The King of Hearts ! 

Deil take Dame Fortune, she is always coy. 
Casa B. : She sends a man where she should send a 

boy. [Draws.] 

The Jack of Clubs I 

Oh, Jack, you beauty ! Good for you. old pard. 

[Aside.] Honors are easy, but I am one bv card. 

[Exit.] 
Urulzcs : Fare thee well, honest soldiers. 

And now, to arms ! Ho ! let the bugle's blast 

Proclaim our coming ! Now the dyeis cast ; 

LTpon the issue hangs our future weal. 

And win we must, or to a tyrant kneel. 

Forward, my lads ! When this day's work is done, 

I look to see the field of Oshkosh won ; 

But if it chance our overthrow is wrought, 

Let cowards live to tell how brave men fought. 

(Ej:eunt.) 
Scene 4. {The same. Alarum.. Noiseof battle vitldn. En- 
ter from opposite sides Lepidus and Indigo. ) 
Indigo : Nay, stand thou there if thou but dare tear 
hair ; 

I'll bung thy eye, if thou dost fly, sky high. 
X. Patrick : When did I run from any one gun's son ? 

While daylight shows I'll give my foe's nose 
blows. (They fight.) 

Oh, drat your sivord ! I'm gored I b-bored — 
floored (Exeunt.) 
Scene 5. {Tliesame. Another part of tlie corridor. Enter 
Goahead.) 
OoaJiead: Now would I give all my wordly goods 

For a safe hiding place. 

These conspirators are terrible fellows. 

And have nearly friglitened my life out of mc 

With their bloody swords — confound them. 

'Tis most fortunate there are none here, 

For 1 can run no further — my wind is clean gone. 

What's that ! (Enter Quill, running.) 

Is that you, Captain Quill ? 
QuHl : Stand, traitor ! Di-aw thy sword an' thou darest. 

Twelve of thy brethren have I dispatched, 

And thou wilt make a baker's dozen of them. 

Draw, traitor ! 
Goahead: Hold, Captain, I am Goahead, your friend. 
Quill : Goahead ? \Vhat ! why so it is, sure enough. 

Give us thy hand, lad. How earnest thou here? 

By the sword of Sobleski, I took thee for a traitor 
Goahead: Where were you running to so fast. 

Valiant Captain '? 
Quill : Running ? Why, I was in pursuit of the en- 
emy. 

Faith I did run, but the cowardly conspirators 

Kan better, else had I overtaken them. 

That traitor Hans I wounded in the stomach. 

And would have slain him had not Shrub the sub- 
stitute 

Come to his aid and stabbed me in the back. 
Goahead : There is no more biood on thy back 

Than there was in Shylocks bond. 
Quill: Go to ; — and then I chased them both up-stairs, 
{Enter Hans, Goaliead Jlies.) 

And through the — 




Brutus : " Behold this Blade, the Saber of my Pa, 

I DIPPED ITS Point in yonder Batteky JauI" 



28 



THE CARNIVAL OF OSHKOSH. 



Sans : Have at you, villala ! 

QtUll : For the love of goodness, don't I 

Ifans : Draw, and defend yourself. 

Quill: Good Hans, I always loved thee much, 

Oh, stop ! Have a cigar? 
Sans: Ttiou art the most egregious coward I have 
seen yet. 

Hand over that sword. 
Quill : Here it is ; 1 surrender— unconditionally. 
Sans : What ransom can'st thou pay ? 
Quill: I will pay a cigar, a glass of beer. 

And a switzer cheese sandwich. 
Sam: Thou art saved. I will keep thee for ransom. 

Forward— guide right— march! 

(A'xit, driving him oxit. ) 

Scene 6. {Tfiesame. Fnler Indigo, wounded.) 

Itidigo : I can fly no further ; here must I stand at bay. 

Whose there? {Enter Ooahmd.) 

Come hither, lad ; 1 will not harm thee. 
Ooahead: But I am not insured against accidents. 
Indigo: What side dost thou belong to ? 
Ooahead: The winning side, whichever that may be. 
Indigo : Ha ! thou art wise beyond thy years ; 

What is thy name ? 
OoaJttad: .Marquis Non de Plume. 
Indigo: A plume ; but thou art something of an op- 
erator ; 

Thou knowest the alphabet, I dare be sworn ; 

If so, thou art of our fraternity ; 

I made a vow ne'er to be taken alive ; 

Hold thou my sword while I do run against it. 
Ooahead: With pleasure. Here you are ; come on. 
Indigo: That point is something sharp ; the other end 

Will do as well, and will not hurt so much. 
Ooahead: What ! reverse arms ? All riglit, sir ; 

You pays your money and you takes your choice. 
Indigo: fn this device there is no room for scandal ; 

Brutus, I die— upon mine own sword handle. 

(Runs on the hilt of hUi sword and dies.) 
Ooahead: This was the nobbiest showman of them all. 

If I could but borrow a handsaw now, 

I would cut me off this rooster's head, 

And swear 1 killed him in fair fisht. 

Perhaps I can drag him to the repairer's den. 

Come, Indigo, I must borrow your scalp. 

(Exit, dragging out the body.) 

Scene 7. {Tfiesame. Enter Brutus and Antonij, fighting. 
Antony is wounded.) 
Mrutui : A hit I 



Antony: A scratch, more like ; thy eyes were shut 
When thou didst make the lunge. (T/iey ftght.) 

Brntus : Let up, my arm's tired, 

Antony: Die, traitor ! (Brutus falls.) 

Brutus : I pass. Oh, Antony, be not so brave ; 

Thou hast the trick, but I have played the knave; 
Behold this blade, the saber of my pa, 
I dipped its point in yonder battery jar. 

(Dies happy.) 

Antony: So all your traitorous band this hour shall 
rue ; 
What said the rogue — that he had chalked his cue? 
I'm poisoned sure ; the thought is somewhat vex- 

But never mind, we all must pass our cheeks In. 
(Dies urith 7nueh composure and considerable style.) 
(Enter Pliers, Quill, and Ooahead.) 
Quill: I am all that is left of the 54th ; 

The colored troops were all mowed down. 

And now go scooting through the town. 

Strategy is the great point in war ; 

I might have slain Hans in fair light. 

But instead I allowed him to take me prisoner, 

And then beguiled him into ambu.sh ; 

And there the traitor fell— beneath the sabers 

Of some half dozen of our Christian neighbors. 
Hiers : I find no trace of Casa B. 

Can he have fled to A. & P. ? 

Bold Shrub I butchered at one blow. 
Ooahead: And here's the head of Indigo. 
(Enter manager of the A. & P. and forces, and Casa B. 

Anchor. ) 
CasaB.: Behold the murderers of Csesar. 
Manager: Seize-er them. (Pliers. Quill, and Ooahead 

are arrested. ) 
Casa B.: (aside) 1 think that's the odd trick. 
Manage!-: The Union halls resound beneath our tread, 

And at our feet monopoly lies dead. 

Here on the walls of this old inquisition 

We set our flag. 
All. Long live the opposition ! 
Opr. What shall we do with the prisoners ? 
Manager. These three we'll have decapitated ; 

The rest shall be most soundly rated ; 

And if they hope to get their dues. 

They'd better mind their P's and Q'a. 

Bear hence the bodies. 
[Exeunt. Bead March—" When Johnny Comes March- 

ijig Some.} 
Applause. Curtain. Bouquet.^. 




JUST PUBLISHED! 



TELEGRAPHIC TALES and TELEGRAPHIC HISTORY: 

A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THE 

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BY W. J. JOHNSTON. EDITOR OF ■'THE OPEUATOR." 
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Mr. Johnston has spent his spare time for the past two years in Ilie pre]iaration of this worli. which, it is hoped, 
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32 Pag-es. Paper. Price 25 Cents. 

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SAM JOHNSON: 

The Experience and Observations of a Railroad Telegraph Operator. 

By J. ALUKirr ri.iri'i.N<;EK, 
Author (if •■ Tlic Pedagogue of Widow's Gulch," " Samson " Papers, etc. 
17() Pages. Price, in Paper, 75c.; in Cloth, $1. 

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OAKUM PSCKINGS: 

A Miscellaneous Collection of Stories, Sketches, Essays, and Paragraphs, Telegraphic and 
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Fourth Edition, 188 pp.; Medium 12nio; Paper, 50c.; Cloth. 7.5c. 

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t BOOK THAT SHOULD HAVE A PLACE IN EVERY TELEGRAPH OFFICE. 

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PERFECT LIBRARY OF REFERENCE, 

IN ONE HANDY VOLUME. 

510 PAGES. STRONGLY BOUND IN CLOTH. PRICE ONLY JSl. 

The publisher of the AMERICAN POPULAR DICTIONARY claims for it the 
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The Spelling of each word is that given by^the best authorities. 

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In addition to the perfections of this work as a Dictionary, it contains a vast 
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for eighteen yearly subscriptions. 

To any one sending us three yearly subscriptions as 
above, we ^vill mail a copy of "Oakum Pickings," cloth, 
*' Wired Love." cloth, or "Sam Johnson," paper. 

To any one sending ns two yearly suV)scrii»tions. as 
above, or their own ond that of a frien<l. we will mail a 
copy of "Oakum Pickings." bound in strong iiaper, or a 
copy of " Telephone and Oshkosh. " 

All O Books for 2,^ Yearly Subscriptions, 

A Silver AVatrh for 00 Yearly Suliseriptions. 

A Gohl Watch for IGO Yearly Subscriptions. 

^^ The Dictionary. " Telegraphic Tales and Historj-." 
"Lightning Flashes," " General Grant," and "Christmas 



Evergreens,"snldat regular retail price, count as two yearly 
subscriptions each. "Wired Love," "Sam Johnson," or 
" Oakum Pickuigs " count as one each. Where the paper 
and one or more of the books are sold together at combin- 
ation rates, we will all<;iw asnuich commission in each case 
as we can afford. 

Two half yearly or four three-months" subscription 
count same as one yearly subscription. Names can be 
sent in as fast as received, which will be placed to your 
credit, and can be added to at any time. Remit ^\ith each 
order. A cash commission, in lieu of premiums, will be 
allowed where such is preferred. 

It is hoped that all who can do so will make a persistent 
effort to get up a club for us at this time. The subscrip- 
tion price is so low that a large circulation will be neces- 
sary to enable us to sustain the present high .standard of 
the paper, and add new and valuable features from time to 
time, as heretofore , Every one who takes the slightest in- 
terest in the paper can get at least one or two new suIj- 
scribers for us on his wire, or by saying a good word for us 
among his telegraphic acquaintances. Try it and see. 
Sample copies for getting up clubs mailed free. Send for 
some. Remit by Post-Oftice order, draft, registered letter, 
or express. U. S. 1, 2, or 3 cent postage stamps taken. 



P. O. Box 3,332. 



W- J= JOHi^STOi^, Publisher, 

No. 9 Murray St., New York. 



S, El 



SALE BY W. J. JOHNSTON. 



KeceDt TelegrapMc Publications. 

Prepaid by mail. 

Beautiful Knjjravings of Morse and Kdison, . $0.25 

Fifty Telearraphers' Electrotype \isitius; Cards, 30 

Smith's Manual of Telegraphy, for Ve^^'.nm rs. . . 30 

Oakuui Pickings: A misL*ellaneH-*tis coUecliun of Sto- 
ries, Sketches, Kssays and Paragraplis. Telegraphic 
and General. By Jolm Oakum. With steel-plate 
portrait of author, IS8 pp., paper 50 

Ijoring's Handbook of the Telegraph 50 

Wired Love : A lioraanc>3 of iJots and Dashes. By 
Ella Cheevei- Thayer. 2")5 pp.. cloth 75 

Sam Johnson : Tha Experience and Observations of 
a Railroad Telegraph Operator. B3- J. Albert Clip- 
pinger. author of " The IVdagogue of Widow's 
Gulch," " Samson " Papers, etc. ; paper 75 

The Operator: A Journal of Scientific and Practical 
Telegraphy. "Thj best telegrapliic paper in the 
world for tho least money." Subscription, in 
r advance: 3 months, 30c.; 6 months. 50c. ; 1 year 1.00 

Gen. Ulysses S. Grant : His Early Life and MiHtary 
Career, with a brief account of his Presidential Ad- 
ministration and Tour Around the World. By J. K. 
Larke. 512 pp. ; cloth 1.00 

Christmas Evergreens : A collection of Select Tele- 
graphic and General I'oetry Elegantly illustrated 
and magnilicently bound, (.'loth; gilt edges 1.50 

Iiightning Flashes and Electric Dashes; A vol- 
ume of Choice Telegraphic Literature. Humor, Fun, 
Wit and Wisdom. 176 pages; clothiillustrated^. .. 
Price reduced to 1 00 

Pope's Modern Practice of the Eleotric Tele- 
graph 2.00 

Prescott's Telephone, Phonograph, Electric 
Light, etc 4.00 

Prescott's Electricity aud tho Electric Tele- 
graph 5.00 

lioth the latter hooks together 7.00 

LATER WORKS JUST PUBLISHED. 

Telephone and Oshkosh: Two sparkling Tele- 
grpahic Burlesques. Hj" Thomas C. Nobie, Jr. 52 
pages ; paper 25 

The American Popular Dictionary: A perfect 
Library of Reference in one Handy Volume. 510 
pages ; cloth 1 00 

Telegraphic Tales and Telegraphic History. 
A Popular account of the Electric Telegraph ; its 
Uses. Extent and Outgrowths. By W. J. Johnston. 
Editor of The Operator 1 00 

t^~ Any of the above promptly mailed, postage prepaid, 
on receipt of the price. 

American Popular Dictionary 

The following order is a sample of what we are 
receiving every day, and shows how the American 
Popular Dictionary "takes," both among Tele- 
graphers and outsiders: 

*' Package of nine American Popular Dictionaries re- 
ceived and delivered. All seem "well pleased with them. 
Please send me by Express same as before, ten more copies 
of the Dictionary and one copy " Wired Love." 

Yours respectfully. 
Andorer, O., Aug. 5th. A. W. GATES. 

Many of our readers could sell a large number of 
the Dictionaries if they only tried. Liberal dis- 
count to agents. Send $1.00 for a sample copy, 
and see how many orders you can get. 

|^~ To any one sending us $3 for three copies, 
we shall send an extra cop}' free and postage pre- 
paid. 



A miseellaneouH; colk-ction of 
STOKIES, SKETCHES, AND PARAGRAPHS, 
Telegraphic and G-eneral. 
By JOHN' OAKUM [W. P. Phillip:;). 

\F1TH STEEL-ENGRAVED PORTRAIT OP AUTHOR. 188 PAGES. 
STRONG PAPER. ONLY 50 CcntS. 

We will send, prepaid by mail, to the same or different 
addresses: 

^Vired Love and Oakiim Pickings SI 00 

Wired Love and r>0 Visiting; Cards 1 00 

Wired Love and "The Operator" 1 Year ... 1 50 

Wired Love and General Grant 1 50 

Wired Love aud Flashes or Evergreen.s 175 

Sam Johnson will be mailed in connsction witli the - 
above, in lieu of Wired Love, at same price. 

The Telegraph in America, 

By J. D. REID. 

840 ROYAL, OCTAVO PAGES, 
Price, - - $4. GO. 

We have on hand a few copies of the above book, 
which we will forward, pre-paid by Mail, to any 
address on receipt of $4.00 each. 

"The work is as complete and as detailed as 
diligence can make it." — j\'. T. Evening Post. 

TELEGRAPHERS' 

TISITINGr CARDS, 

We have five different styles of Telegraphers' Electro- 
type Visiting Cards, 

PRICE-POSTAGE PREPAID. 
50 Cards, Assorted Styles, with Xauie, 30 Cents. 

Postage stamps taken. 



Telegraphers Should Renieiiiher 

That they can always get anj-thing that they may require, 
whether in the line of telegraphic goods or not, at the 
\'ERY lowest manufactltrers' PRICES, by sending their or- 
der to the publisher of The Operator. 

They Oug-ht to Kiio^ 

That we have a Purchasing Agency which does a business 
of Thousands of Dollars a year for telegrapliers, an(} 
always to the latter's satisfaction, many now purchasing 

ALL THE goods THEY REQUIRE THROUGH US. 

No Matter What You Want, 

whether it he telegraphic or not. send the order to us. We 
will fill it of the best quality, and at as low a price as 

ANYBODY ELSE CAN POSSIBLY DO. 

Telegraphers are Invited 

to avail themselves freely of the advantages of The Oper- 
ator Purchasing, Agency. We make no charge for our- 
trmible, arid always furnish goods at loivest mo7iu- 
factitrers'' prices. 

j^^ Any book, newspaper, or magazine published 
whether telegraphic or otherwise, will be sent, prepaid by 
mail, to any address in the United States or Canada on re 
ceipt of publisher's price. 



Remit by currency, U. S. postage stamps, Post office order, draft, registered letter, or express. 
Address-. W. J. JOHNSTON, Publisher, 

P. O. Box 3,333. No. 9 Murray Street, New York. 



LIBRARY OF 



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